Biasa dengar orang kata, "Kita hanya merancang tapi Tuhan yang menentukan." Seringkasnya, opinion aku ialah aku percaya pada qada and qadar. After experiencing what I have experienced, aku percaya God has a plan for all of us and His plan is the best plan. God knows Best.
Nak dijadikan cerita, semalam aku bertemu dengan seorang sahabat yang dah hampir 3 tahun aku tak jumpa. Masing-masing busy dengan kehidupan sendiri. Our first topic is my health and my recovery. Mana nak tau, mak saudara sahabat aku ni baru je didiagnos with kanser usus. I am not sure whether I have mention this in my previous post but my doctor's initial diagnosis was also cancer. Alhamdulillah, after removing the tumor and sending it for testing, they discovered that it was endometriosis.
Berbalik pada cerita mak saudara sahabat aku ni. She told me how worried she is and told her that they are close etc. I impart my experience dealing with the situation to her. Banyak la aku cerita from how many operation I had to why ada orang kena pakai colostomy bag for live and why some tak perlu. At the end of the conversation, it can be concluded that illness is given by God for various reason. Dugaan macam ni mengundang 1001 pengajaran. I never said this before but aku betul-betul insaf selepas aku selesai operation ke-2 haritu. I learned a lot whilst I was in the hospital and now aku rasa maut tu betul2 dekat dengan aku.
When I told her that, sahabat aku tu kata, aku dah lain sangat, aku dah jauh lebih baik dari diri dia. Sukar aku nak percaya statement macam tu. Aku cuma boleh ucapkan, alhamdulillah. Honestly speaking, I am trying my best to be the best muslimah I can ever be. I am not seeking any acknowledgment from anybody. Aku cari keredhaan Tuhan. Tu je. Aku just rada kerehaan Tuhan tu sukar bagi aku utk kecapi bila aku sentiasa tak khusu' semasa solat. that is one of the battle that I am fighting every single day.
I am going slightly off topic here but bare with me as I need to put this in writing as a reminder to my self in the future. I realize last night that there are 2 parts of me. The conscious me and the sub conscious me. It might sounds a bit weird but when I pray, the me who utter all the words, reciting Al-Fatihah etc is the sub conscious me. The recital comes out of my mouth without I even have to think about it. The conscious me is my ever active mind. Thinking of things, wandering off to God knows where. I find it difficult to make sure both of me, are focus on the same thing. So most of the time, I force my conscious mind to also recite the words that my mouth is uttering.
Currently I am reading Kitab Fadhilah Amal given to me by my Ibu. One of the stories shared in the book is about how khusyu' sahabat-sahabat Nabi in their prayers. When they were asked how they can get so khusu', one of the sahabat whom I have forgotten his name told that before praying he imagined his situation when he needs to cross titian siratulmustaqim in akhirat. It makes total sense to me now why we are ordered to cite surah al-Fatihah during prayers.For further understanding on this matter you can google tafsir for surah al-fatihah.
Back to my fateful meeting with my friend tadi, we shared so many things last night and we hope to regularly meet each other. I know she is lonely. Being a workaholic, she turns to office to find peace apart from praying to God regularly. She seems sad and depress and I hope I could cheer her up. For me, we are undergoing exams every single day and the final paper is prepared by God. He never stops us from enjoying our life in this world however He does set certain limits. As long as we take care of our promise to God by praying and do what is wajib for us, we should also enjoy life in this world. Be happy as living in this beautiful world is a nikmat bestowed by God to us.
I know that each and every breath I take is a loan from God. Each and every day is a present and I am determine to make the best of it.