Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Getting to Know Me- Part 2

Its 12th of Ramadhan. Alhamdulillah... It has been a spiritually fulfilling period. However I am a bit sad coz I got my mens yesterday.. That explained why I was irritated the whole week last week. PMS and also Ramadhan test. I think I failed miserably.. However, I pray that Allah accepts my deed.

This year I was determined. I want to finished the Quran in this blessed month and also contemplate on the Quran. God is truly the Most Merciful. I am blessed to have the most magnificent housemates. They agree to accompany me to performed taraweh every night. We prayed at Masjid Kajang for the first night and during the weekends we went to Masjid Tuanku Mizan in Putrajaya.

MashaAllah.. That beautiful Masjid. Those awesome workers preparing iftar. The great imam with beautiful voice. I am truly blessed. Truly. I am hooked to that beautiful masjid. I couldnt imagine how happy I would feel to pray in the prophet's mosque when I feel so content in Masjid Besi. The feeling is indescribable..

All I can say is...Alhamdulillah. Thank you God for opening up my heart, for pulling me physically to the mosque. For giving me the physical ability to be there amongst those beautiful souls. May all of us reunited in Jannah together with the our beloved prophet Muhammad and his companions.

Since I have been listening to Mufti Menk's last Ramadhan tazkirah, i keep thinking of the companions of the prophets. Keep imagining them living with prophet Muhammad. Going through all those battles and trials. They fought to spread the deen. The go to war, spend their money just to make sure that we receive the deen today. We get to practice this beautiful faith freely today.

I wonder whether they even imagine all the ease and blessings that we get to enjoy today. To practice the deen peacefully, freely and openly. To have bountiful of food to eat. In many of the sirah, we know that the prophet often do not have much to eat. What ever he received, he would share amongst his companions. When he is presented with delicious food, the prophet remembers his daughter Fatima and asked some of the food to be sent to her as its been awhile since Fatima get to eat such food.Such love... Amazing subhanAllah....

Today, we are wasteful. Even in the month of Ramadhan. Oh Allah forgive  me. I do not want to be wasteful. If ever I'm not going to finished something, I would remind myself of the story of prophet Muhammad. Help me not to be wasteful ya Allah.

I hope all the good habits that I managed to gain during this Holy month, I could carry out after Ramadhan ended. I want to save enough money so I could pay for my own wedding ceremony. I want to have enough money to lead a comfortable life after marriage. I cannot be wasteful in anyway.

This is my weakness. Financial management. I hope I manage to overcome it with the will of Allah. Make me wiser. Oh Allah, give me enough so that I do not ask from anyone else but you. Allah is the ultimate provider. I believe that Allah shall provide so that I always have enough.

Thank you Allah for this contentment I feel. Alhamdulillah

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Getting To Know Me (Part 1- Updates)

It has been a roller coaster day today. I've been so preoccupied with work alhamdulillah. May Allah grant me barakah for all the work I managed to complete today. Ameen..

I should be going home but I just feel like I need to write some of my thoughts down. Last night was a very fulfilling night for me. I made my self available for a friend. My intention was not to help her but to help my self by being available for her. I want to ease her burden and hopefully Allah would ease mine one day.

My intent was fulfilled when she started to opened up to me. Last night I get to know my self. Why I do what I normally do. The conversation started something along these lines.

My friend told me that she would sometime get offended by the things I said. Last night after we pray at the Putra mosque, my friend started to apologizing. Stating how sorry she is for making me come all the way to Putrajaya for her. I simply dismissed her statement by saying that I am not here for you. I am here for my self and for Allah. Meeting you tonight at the mosque grant me that.

She said she was offended by my statement probably by the way I said it. She knows I'm speaking the truth but probably the fact that I completely disregard her apology, bite her heart a bit. If she did not know me as well as she has, she would have been so angry..

After she told me that, I re-evaluate my self. Why I always do that. So I told her. I think, I said it due to the fact that I am not comfortable receiving an apology when I was not offended. I am not comfortable receiving appreciation when I do the thing I did not for the person who thank me. Everything I do is for Allah and my self. I guess, its my automatic defensive mechanism. When I feel uncomfortable, I snipe. When the person get offended with my remark, I simply ignored them because I feel that I did not snipe unnecessarily. I am just stating the truth. A fact. If you are so easily offended by the things I said, its your problem and not mine.

I could have been nicer to my friend. Acknowledging them but its is just not me. I give thanks when its due. I appreciate my friends with my own unique way. I could try to change a bit. Be a softer and nicer person perhaps. I have to contemplate on this.

Another thing that struck me last night was when she question my confidence in Allah. She asked me again and again on how I could simply decide to get marry and move to the other side of Malaysia in less than a month of knowing a guy.How am I not worried about financial stability? I told her that Allah is the ultimate provider. All we need to do is ask. She shook her head and asked. How can you have such confident. Its stated in the Quran and hadeeth. Once you got married for the sake of Allah, He will blessed you in so many ways. She shook her head again and said, I know its a hadeeth and its stated all over the Quran, but how could you get such trust and confident?

I have to ponder on the question for a few second. How did I get such conviction? When did I acquire such conviction? I told her, you did not went through what I went through last year. When I was at the hospital, being hook to so many machine, I realized, my breath is not mine. My heartbeat is not mine. I have nothing in this world which I could call my own. Everything is given to me by Allah out of His Mercy as He is the Most Merciful.

If Allah could bring a dead person to live, create this beautiful world, grant us the ability to think and feel, why can't Allah grant me ease and provide for me? Provision in terms of money and job security its worldly matters. Allah created heaven and earth and His power is limitless. As long as I strive to obey His instructions and avoid sinning, I am sure Allah would hear and grant my du'a. Allah granted my du'a when I was so ill and helpless last year. I was a sinner! Yet He showed me His Mercy. Now I am a better believer than who I was last year. I trust that Allah will guide me and my heart and ease my plans if my plans is good for me and my deen. I leave everything at His hand coz Allah is all knowing and I'm not.

We spoke and share our concerns and at the end of the night she told me how grateful she is to have me as her friend. Alhamdulillah... Honestly speaking I told her that, I know we are going to discuss some heavy subject tonight. I made a special du'a just to help me get through the sharing session with her. I asked Allah to help me say the right things hopefully I could ease her burden a little and in return, Allah could ease mine during the day of judgment.

Truth be told, I am preparing to meet my Maker for Judgement Day. There are so many things that I have not fulfilled and I am scared that I am going to die before fulfilling all my obligations towards my Maker. This is something I could not stop thinking about. I am not scared of death, I'm scared of dying without preparing enough provisions that could help me in the Hereafter.

May Allah forgive me and all of us. May Allah protect me from the Hell fire. May Allah give be happiness in this world and the next. Ameen...

Monday, June 15, 2015

Getting to Know Me (Part 1)

This concept is not foreign to me but during BeingME2015, that was the first time this concept was explained bu a Muslim scholar to me.

A Hadith of Rasul (SAW says that, "Whosoever knows himself knows his Lord"

Truth be told, the hadeeth hit me hard when I first heard it at Being Me. Its like being slap in the face. I hardly understands my self sometimes. Based on the hadeeth, it means that I am not as close to Allah as I wanted to be.

So, one of my resolution for this coming Ramadhan is to get to know me better and ultimately gained closeness to Allah.

So, getting to know me. The "current me" is not as complicated as the "former me". I would like to be known and seen as a simple person. I do not wear fancy labels (never have been). I still hates shopping for clothes, shoes and handbags and make up. My idea of make up is limited to moisturizer and compact powder. That's it. My mom (Oh Allah, bless her beautiful soul) still buy me clothes and purses whenever she went shopping coz she knows me fully well that I hardly buys anything on my own. I am grateful to have her as my mom.

Nowadays, my interest is limited to playing COC, reading FB postings related to good deeds and hadeeth as well as attending Islamic conferences and classes. I am not pious, yet. I covered my aurah but I could cover  my aurah more.. That's how I feel. I try to read the Quran everyday. I try to memorize my favourite verses like 2 last ayah in Surah al Baqarah and 3 last ayah in Surah al Hasyr. Currently I'm working on Surah Yaseen and Al-Kahf (May Allah grant us ease and May He accept it from us)

I think I am an Islamic Conference junky...Not a very nice term, I know but that's how I feel. I could not not buy all the tickets to the Islamic Conference that are being held in Malaysia. May Allah help me in striking a balance. I rather spent on the tickets then save for my marriage ceremony.. Oh Allah, grant us ease... I know that I need to strike a balance. I have exceed my resolution of attending 5 conference this year. So, I will only attend a few more if I receive unexpected wealth... Ameen...

I found so much joy when I get to share a bit of what I've learned with close family and friends. I get so high whenever I attend an Islamic Conference. My heart is touched and I would sometime cry whenever the name of the prophet and his sahabat is being mentioned. This is because I would recall Mufti Menk's speech on the companion of Rasulluallah last Ramadhan and the sacrifices they  made so that the deen came to us. So that we could enjoy what we have today... May Allah be pleased with all of them.

Nowadays I cry out of joy out of gratefulness. I have been blessed with so much love from Allah SWT. I feel so much love surrounding me each and everyday. Overwhelm with all the love, I offer voluntary prayers to thank Allah. Out of happiness, I would cry... Most of the time, I would feel that level of joy when I pray solat at the mosque. Beautiful Masjid Putra. I fell in love with that mosque. I find ease, love and comfort within that mosque. Coz I know, not many is invited to be in the house of Allah. I am grateful to have my heart so close to Masjid Putra.

I would have to stop here. I pray that I am protected from ujub and riak. This post is just my way of getting to know my ownself. My mind could be so scattered sometime and only by typing my thoughts down, I get to focus.Re-reading my own posts help to remind me of the things I felt.

My mind is still scattered. A friend needs me tonight. She said that her heart is unsettled. I asked her to meet me at Masjid Putra. I need to be mentally prepared to face her tonight. She sounded so stressed in her text messages. May Allah grant us ease. May Allah guide us onto the straight path.


Tuesday, June 9, 2015

What Do I Want Right Now

In the name of Allah, the most gracious and the most merciful. All praises to Allah almighty for everything that I have been blessed with today. It has been a slow day thus making it possible for me to write more that the usual.

Last night, I had dinner and a long conversation with one of my closest friend. I have many friends yet the one closest to me are not that many. I am the kind of person who is loyal thus having to commit to a bunch of close friends is a difficult for me.

So, the news of me deciding to marry someone whom I know for less than a month shocked her to the core. Thus, our conversation last night revolves around that. My decision, my thought process etc. For the record (my record so that I would not forget this), we decided to get marry at the earliest stage of the relationship. Way before our first phone call, our first meeting... SubhanAllah, i pray that Allah blesses this relationship.

Getting married is a huge decision. However, that decision was made by us in a split seconds (its more like 1 few days, less than a week). We do hope and pray that Allah guides our hearts and ease our plans. So,  my friend asked me, how could i make such decision without meeting the guy?

Honestly speaking, I was guided by my heart. I felt so much ease when communicating with Ridzuan. The topics we covered revolve on faith and our eagerness to pleased Allah azzawa jalla. I ask God to strengthen our love for Him through this relationship. Make us remember His Mercy and power even more through this relationship.

I am truly humbled by the whole experience. I told my friend that I do not deserve what I have been given thus making me feel so grateful to Allah for His blessings. I told my friend that I disobeyed Allah so many times yet He still blessed me with so much blessings. He gave me a relationship that put my heart at ease and made me more focus on my acts of worship. This sudden relationship made me realize how Great His power is. How he could connect 2 hearts from 2 distant place in a matter of days. If Allah wills something to happen all He need is to say "kun" and it happens.

I firmly believe that this feelings we shared for each other is bestowed to us by Allah almighty and if He wants, Ho could take it back. I am prepared to lose this feelings coz I am truly grateful to be given a glimpse, a taste of how pure love could feel like and what it could do to you.

I am determine to get closer to Allah and at the same time, prepared for more goodness he would give me.

SubhanAllah, Alhamdulillah, Allahhuakbar!  .  

Say A Little Prayer For You

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah almighty for giving me the opportunity to write a little today.

I am well, alive, living in a peaceful country of Malaysia thus watching videos of children is Syria is breaking my little heart. Thus my prayer goes to them, the children of Syria and Gaza and every single Muslims that are being oppress by tyrants all around the world.

It is unbelievable how such cruelty and inhumanity could exist in our world today. How anyone could be so heartless. An old woman was killed by a soldier after she was given some water to drink. How could any one with a heart do such a thing..

Oh Allah... I pray that you grant all those who has been unjustly killed, the highest paradise.Oh Allah, gives them all strength and patience to go through the tests that you have prepared for them. Oh Allah, please forgive all of us who could only watch as our brother and sisters suffers at the hand of the kufar. Oh Allah, give us the ability to help them in anyway we can.

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