Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Getting To Know Me (Part 1- Updates)

It has been a roller coaster day today. I've been so preoccupied with work alhamdulillah. May Allah grant me barakah for all the work I managed to complete today. Ameen..

I should be going home but I just feel like I need to write some of my thoughts down. Last night was a very fulfilling night for me. I made my self available for a friend. My intention was not to help her but to help my self by being available for her. I want to ease her burden and hopefully Allah would ease mine one day.

My intent was fulfilled when she started to opened up to me. Last night I get to know my self. Why I do what I normally do. The conversation started something along these lines.

My friend told me that she would sometime get offended by the things I said. Last night after we pray at the Putra mosque, my friend started to apologizing. Stating how sorry she is for making me come all the way to Putrajaya for her. I simply dismissed her statement by saying that I am not here for you. I am here for my self and for Allah. Meeting you tonight at the mosque grant me that.

She said she was offended by my statement probably by the way I said it. She knows I'm speaking the truth but probably the fact that I completely disregard her apology, bite her heart a bit. If she did not know me as well as she has, she would have been so angry..

After she told me that, I re-evaluate my self. Why I always do that. So I told her. I think, I said it due to the fact that I am not comfortable receiving an apology when I was not offended. I am not comfortable receiving appreciation when I do the thing I did not for the person who thank me. Everything I do is for Allah and my self. I guess, its my automatic defensive mechanism. When I feel uncomfortable, I snipe. When the person get offended with my remark, I simply ignored them because I feel that I did not snipe unnecessarily. I am just stating the truth. A fact. If you are so easily offended by the things I said, its your problem and not mine.

I could have been nicer to my friend. Acknowledging them but its is just not me. I give thanks when its due. I appreciate my friends with my own unique way. I could try to change a bit. Be a softer and nicer person perhaps. I have to contemplate on this.

Another thing that struck me last night was when she question my confidence in Allah. She asked me again and again on how I could simply decide to get marry and move to the other side of Malaysia in less than a month of knowing a guy.How am I not worried about financial stability? I told her that Allah is the ultimate provider. All we need to do is ask. She shook her head and asked. How can you have such confident. Its stated in the Quran and hadeeth. Once you got married for the sake of Allah, He will blessed you in so many ways. She shook her head again and said, I know its a hadeeth and its stated all over the Quran, but how could you get such trust and confident?

I have to ponder on the question for a few second. How did I get such conviction? When did I acquire such conviction? I told her, you did not went through what I went through last year. When I was at the hospital, being hook to so many machine, I realized, my breath is not mine. My heartbeat is not mine. I have nothing in this world which I could call my own. Everything is given to me by Allah out of His Mercy as He is the Most Merciful.

If Allah could bring a dead person to live, create this beautiful world, grant us the ability to think and feel, why can't Allah grant me ease and provide for me? Provision in terms of money and job security its worldly matters. Allah created heaven and earth and His power is limitless. As long as I strive to obey His instructions and avoid sinning, I am sure Allah would hear and grant my du'a. Allah granted my du'a when I was so ill and helpless last year. I was a sinner! Yet He showed me His Mercy. Now I am a better believer than who I was last year. I trust that Allah will guide me and my heart and ease my plans if my plans is good for me and my deen. I leave everything at His hand coz Allah is all knowing and I'm not.

We spoke and share our concerns and at the end of the night she told me how grateful she is to have me as her friend. Alhamdulillah... Honestly speaking I told her that, I know we are going to discuss some heavy subject tonight. I made a special du'a just to help me get through the sharing session with her. I asked Allah to help me say the right things hopefully I could ease her burden a little and in return, Allah could ease mine during the day of judgment.

Truth be told, I am preparing to meet my Maker for Judgement Day. There are so many things that I have not fulfilled and I am scared that I am going to die before fulfilling all my obligations towards my Maker. This is something I could not stop thinking about. I am not scared of death, I'm scared of dying without preparing enough provisions that could help me in the Hereafter.

May Allah forgive me and all of us. May Allah protect me from the Hell fire. May Allah give be happiness in this world and the next. Ameen...

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