Wednesday, December 30, 2015

My Fear Factor

As we are approaching the end of 2015, I could not help but to reflect on all the things that happened this year.

The year started slowly but surely I made improvements in multiple areas in my life. Career wise I could feel my faith became stronger and I was happier. I was at the peak of my faith in July. I was at my happiest and most content.

However, things started to shake in August onward and I could feel I was spiraling down a wormhole. Its a slow spiral downwards and I could feel that I am still spiraling. I am fighting the spiral coz I know what waits for  me at the bottom but somehow.. just somehow I feel that i do not have enough strength to fight.

I was happy at my comfort zone for 3 months then I felt the need to shake things up. Taking risk, doing things I'm not suppose to just for the sake that I am tired and bored staying stagnant.I fear that the risk I took is not worth it. It has no value. Its useless.

I could justify all my actions may it be right or wrong but I could not accept he fact that I keep doing things I'm not supposed to when I am very much aware of the consequences.

Did I stop to care of the consequences? No

Why do I keep doing it? Do I do it to feel accepted? Wanted? Desired? Yes

I am being accepted and wanted but by those who are undesirable. I fear that I'm selling my self short. I fear that my personality made me an easy target to be taken advantage at.

I feel the need to focus on my desire. So my 2016 would be to focus on things that made me happy and content.

I really really need to spend some time thinking about this.

Last year was about faith. This year I want to focus on something else but at the same time maintain my faith at a certain level.

What is that something else? What makes me happy and fearless?

1.  Financial Freedom - have a sturdy saving account.i.e to have at least a surplus of RM5000 before end of 2016 (RM420 per month)
2. Travel to at least 2 international destination in 2016 - Indonesia - to visit Reni and perhaps Vietnam for the coffee scene. Krabi/Koh Samui - islands hop
3. Fall madly in love with my life. Beautiful, healthy and happy.

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