In Pursuit of Clarity

I am a 41 years old corporate slave living in the outskirt of Kuala Lumpur. I explored the UK for 18 days and now I have a feeling that I no longer interested in being a corporate slave. Being a corporate slave has allowed me to take on that 18-days-life-changing journey, do I now bite the hands that feed me?

But, I still need to eat. Where can I find my next meal then? Do I have other skills that allows me to no longer be a corporate slave? 

I am a trained lawyer but I have this nagging noise in my head that tell me not to let my career define me. My husband told me to write. He said I am a good writer. I guess, blogging is a for of literature too. Maybe I should start with writing articles for the newspaper. 

I don't even read the newspaper that often. I get my news from other sources.

There are so much noise in my mind right now. Fortunately, my current work schedule allows me to sort out my noisy mind.

Gratitude Post

 Alhamdulillah, its Friday.

Manage to read Surah Al-Kahfi after lunch today. Made a small donation for Gaza as well. Remembering to Salawat to our beloved prophet Muhammad SAW too whilst I wrote this short post.

I have not written a proper gratitude post in awhile. I have been blessed all through out the year. I manage to spend some time with my parents last weekend. Took them on a road trip to Penang in my new car. Visited a durian orchard, ate a lot of durian. Such a blessing to still have their support and love. May Allah keeps them well and safe in this world and the next.

I went to get dinner with my youngest sister. Having her close by is such a gift too. Eventho she prefers to keep to herself most of the time, to be able to have dinner with her once in a while is really nice. 

Thankfully work has been slow and steady. We got a favourable decision for the case filed against us in Penang. The Plaintiff intends to file an appeal so, the matter is still open. I am grateful that I get to work in a corporate setting. A nice office, great colleagues, pretty surrounding and very near to my house. I hope I will not take these for granted. Share price is climbing steadily. It reached RM7.97 yesterday.

Eddy has been great too. He drove us to Penang, bracing the traffic and the challenging road conditions. Annoying but lovable at the same time. Thank you Allah for all these blessings.

Stop Doom Scrolling

Seems like nothing is going right with the world. Absolutely nothing. War in Gaza is still on going. Ukraine is getting bomb again. It seems like whenever I go on my social media. there are more bad news.

I want to be able to not doom scroll so much. I want to be able to just focus on 1 task at a time without getting distracted. For example, this is actually the second draft that I've been rewriting all over again simply because I cannot focus. I don't usually complaints on my blog but I've been putting these complaints on hold for so long. 

So much is going on with my life. I feel like I just don't want to deal with any of it and just go with the flow. Its not that I'm not flexible but, I rather plan things out in advance. I have not been able to do that as much as I want because ... I am either too busy doom scrolling or just tired of managing everything that is going on with my life right now.

An email just came in. Am I feeling this way due to the lack of emails to attend to in the office for the past few days?

Joy & Sorrow

Have you ever truly felt joy? Innocent joy that put a smile on your face and lifted your spirit. The feeling that all is right in the world.

Mine was the day when I first got to perform my first Jum'ah prayer. It is not obligatory for women to join the congregation in performing the Friday Prayer. To be able to experience my first one in Masjidil Haram was such a huge blessing. Indeed, I was overwhelmed with joy that day.

I remember listening to the adzan and just trying to soak in the atmosphere. I was in awe by the sheer happiness I felt in my heart. I was smiling whilst I took my phone to record just a few seconds of the whole atmosphere. My heart kept repeating, "alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah". 

Thank you Allah for this blessing.

I was quiet the whole time. Just basking in Allah's love. A few moments later, the khutbah started. It was in Arabic. I was listening without understanding. I resorted to my phone again and started recording. I was told off by a familiar voice. 

"Aren't we supposed to be quiet? I was quiet so how is this a problem?" said my heart.

"You better make tawbah for what you have done". 

Those words pierce my heart like a broken glass. They shattered my utopia. Such anger and hatred towards what seems to me to be an innocent act. 

I made tawbah with tears streaming down my face. Did I cry due to the unkind words or is it due to the fact that I was so regretful of my action? Allah knows best. 

The joyous moment passed. Just like any other moment. It went away and turned into a memory. 

I remember joy well. Even though it is fleeting. But most importantly I remember that joy that comes from remembering Allah, is truly a blessing from Allah Almighty.

N/B: Why is it hard for us to be kind? Even with our progeny?

Manifestation (4)

 Alhamdulillahhirabbila'lamin (all praises to the Almighty Allah, the creator of the universe)

The last manifestation was back in January 2023 (read here). I manifested 3 out of 5 and the other 2 is in progress insyaAllah.

1. A trip abroad with the kids. We took the kids to Thailand early this year. We went to Hatyai and Koh Lipe
2. Increased sedeqah jariah. Been donating to all the charities in support of Palestinians' causes.
3. Travel wish Europe, UK, Uzbek - We went to Uzbek last year in June and insyaAllah, we will travel to UK this year on Christmas.
4. I still struggle with Tahajjud but alhamdulillah, the Ramadhan sahur schedule is still intact. I managed to wake up earlier for a short Tahajjud before Fajr with my husband
5. With regards to retirement savings, it is still in progress. I am automating my monthly savings but I wish to save more this year. 

That's the update from my last manifestation list. Its the end of the business day and I am still in the office thinking about what do I want to achieve other than the 2 mentioned above.

1. I want to go to Hajj as soon as I am able. The priority is to  deposit more money into my Tabung Haji Savings. Increase cash savings to 100K by 2025.

2. Because I already made plan for a 16 days trip to UK, it doesn't feel right to plan for another one before letting the first one completed successfully first. Just a self created stumbling block. But I did discuss a few other destinations with my husband. Switzerland is high on the list as well as the Maldives and other parts of Indonesia.

3. I want to be a qualified Company Secretary (CS). It is another branch within my current department. 

4. Bowl my first 200. I've been training but I have not been improving much. I need to train more.

5. Be a kinder and more loving person

I am struggling to list down the above today. I take it as a good thing. Nothing much matters these days. There are civil unrest, wars and famine everywhere. If only I can manifest freedom for Palestine and world peace. Might as well put it on the list.

6. Free Palestine and world peace!

Gratitude, Visualize. Manifest!

Thinking Out Loud

Its been awhile. I had a good conversation with my husband last weekend. But then again, they are just passionate discussion about the current state of Malaysian's transportation infrastructure. I was thinking out aloud as to the many interesting places that tourist can visit in Malaysia if it is being packaged correctly. We have beautiful mosques, historical places and amazing food scenes all over Malaysia. Most tourists would just end up in KLCC and Genting Highlands when Malaysia has so much more to offer.

It gave me the idea to become a tour operator but the traffic condition and transportations options in Malaysia is just not ideal. I could however start small. Cater for a small family instead of a bus load of passengers with fussy needs just to try out. Is this my calling? In hospitality? I'm not hospitable nor warm but I am a traveler and I love Malaysia. When I go through the app WithLocals, i realised that the trait that needed to be a good travel guide is lacking in me. I don't have to be a good travel guide is friendliness, sensitivity and hospitability. I know my strength and weakness. So that's that.

Yesterday, a colleague confided in me and told me that she is considering to take an offer by a competitor. A smaller yet stable competitor. She wants to strengthen her capabilities and gained more experience and just be better. She still has that wants but not me. It makes me wonder, is there something wrong with me for not wanting what she wants?

Its not that I am afraid to make a change. Its just that I feel there is no need for it. I am quite happy where I am. I don't need more than this to be happy. Is it wrong to be contend? My company is one of the best engineering and construction company in Malaysia. I am just happy to be part of the team. 

I guess different person has different need to be happy in life.

Syawal

Its the 6th day of Syawal. I am currently back in office. A lot of work waiting, pending, haunting. The mood is truly grim but trying to make the best of it. 

Noteworthy updates other than Raya stuff is that Iran launched an attack to Israel. Although its performative, it enlighten us of our real friends and foe. Jordan and Egypt both intercepted Iran's missiles. Does it not show their stand on this war? Such 2 faced hypocrites. Houthis in Yemen did launch their own missiles into Israel. 

The Israel's paper on 12 April declares that Israel has lost the war. Yet, Palestinians are still not allowed to go home. Many was forcefully evacuated. 

All my worries and problems seems so small compared to what our brothers and sisters in Palestine is going through. 

Although we had a happy Syawal this year, it seems less sweet. Every endevour seems less meaningful these days. I feel like the worst is yet to come, but it is coming. The only thing that we have, is Allah almighty to lead us the way.

May all of us be worthy enough to obtain His guidance to get through all of this. 

Preparing For Ramadhan 2024

Here in Malaysia, Ramadhan falls on 12 March 2024 which is tomorrow. I am very excited eventhough i am still having a tiny spot of menses. Hopefully, I get to fast tomorrow! InsyaAllah.

So far, 2024 has been a busy year. Many court cases from various business units had to be attended to. Penang's matter has been especially troublesome. As I like to make the best of the worst situation, I managed to spend some time with my parents in Penang last weekend. It was short but super fulfilling. Hopefully, all these busy-ness makes the time flew faster as I have a very special plan at the end of this year. Mum's the word.

Relationship with Eddy has been great as always. We talked a lot because we know that communication is key. He makes it so easy for me. We spent a lot of time at the bowling alley this year. That has been a blast! He rarely complaint and absolutely helpful around the house. Alhamdulillah for the blessings.

The kids in the meantime have been a bit of a headache but as long as Eddy and I are on the same page, I'm sure we will overcome this.

The main aim this Ramadhan is to be close to Allah and His forgiveness as well as blessings. I know that without His blessings, my life would be meaningless. When I was in Penang with my parents last weekend, I even set the intention to spend a few days of Ramadhan in the year 2026 in Mecca/Madinah. Perhaps I will include this intention in my many many do'a throughout this blessed Ramadhan. 

Let's not forget Gaza. Their situation is not improving. Many died due to starvation and malnutrition. I pray that Allah makes it easy for them this Ramadhan. I pray that a ceasefire will come through soon. May Allah help all of them. Ameen

 

2024

Today is the 16th day of 2024. A few things to note, the Gen*cide in Gaza is now enters its 100th days. South Africa brought Israel to the International Court of Justice. The killing has not stop. We are still scrolling through the images of bodies under the rubbles, the martyrs buried in mass graves and families in despair due to death and starvation. I pray Allah will grant them ease and liberate them from the Zionist.

I entered my 4series with a cautious feeling. Knowing I am inching closer to the end of my days with still very little good deeds and ibadah to show my Lord on judgment days. Therefore, my aim for this year is to increase my savings in my Tabung Haji so that I get to perform hajj as soon as possible. May Allah invite all of us to His holy lands to perform Hajj and umrah.

Other aim this year is to keep my body active. Eddy and I just equipped ourselves with bowling kits and have been playing regularly. We are hoping to join a league and a few tournaments this year. We are still learning the ropes to be exact but we hope to get serious with it this year. I just won my 1st competition under my company this year. Female Champion! Not too shabby huh?

I manage to close another loan this year. Enough of giving free money to the bank. This saving will be put into my hajj and retirement fund. Dreaming of being able to go for umrah whenever I want after retirement and staying there for however long my heart desires. Yus is currently in Mecca. Feeling so envious and longing to be there again. 

Bangsa Yang Melampui Batas

Dunia menonton kekejaman Ishrael melalui media masa dan media sosial sejak 7 October yang lalu. Kekejaman Izrel bukan baru. Semenjak tertubuhnya negara !sr@el, merekat telah terus menerus melampaui batas.

Kali ini, tindakan kejam mereka adalah atas alasan untuk membalas dendam keatas serangan mengejut yang dilakukan oleh H@m@s Lebih 1700 warga Isrel terbunuh dan beberapa ratus lagi tercedera dan ada juga yang telah diculik,

Meanwhile, about 10,000 Palestinians are killed or lost under the rubbles. The aggressor/occupier promised to keep the civilians safe but at the same time, they b0mb the hospitals and UN Schools. Its crazy to think that I am living in a world where basic human rights are not available to people in Palestine for reason which they are not blameworthy.

Its senseless. 

I find it hard to make plans anymore. I just grateful that I get to sleep in my own bed, go to work, have clean water. These are all privileges that the Palestinians doesn't have. Why??

Greed!

I hope and can do more for the cause. I feel like I am not doing enough. I can only pray so that Palestine will be free again. Soon. InsyaAllah 

Lessons From Uzbekistan

This post has been sitting in draft forms for months. Well today, I decided to publish it. Better late than never I guess..

We just got back from Uzbekistan. It was a 7 days trip which I totally enjoyed. It was summer so the weather was super hot but alhamdulillah, both my husband and I was healthy and well throughout the trip. Allah is the most merciful. 

Uzbekistan is the first Central Asia's country that we visited and our first impression was simply amazing. We know that it is a muslim majority country but we also know that they were under Soviet Union regime. That is why we were genuinely surprise to see how Islam is being strongly practice there. I would go on to say that they practice islam in such a peaceful and non-judgmental way. You practice not to pleased other but Allah. Every single thing they do, they have Allah and Al-Quran in mind. If you have just that 2 things as your guidance in life, nothing can go wrong. Even if something did went wrong, it is as Allah intended hence you should be happy about it.

The experiences I get while travelling is making me re-evaluate my life and all the blessings that have been given to me. It opens my mind to new possibilities and at the same time, I am very grateful with whatever i have already been given to me by Allah.

Best Planner

 We plan and Allah plans. Allah is the best of planner.

Things that I want to remember. Do not worry about rezq. Because it is in Allah's hands and He is the most generous of all.

What we need to focus on is to be closer to Allah in the best way possible. If you walk towards Allah, Allah will run to you. What are you doing now 

Abu Dharr reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Allah Almighty says: Whoever comes with a good deed will have the reward of ten like it and even more. Whoever comes with an evil deed will be recompensed for one evil deed like it or he will be forgiven. Whoever draws close to Me by the length of a hand, I will draw close to him by the length of an arm. Whoever draws close to Me the by length of an arm, I will draw close to him by the length of a fathom. Whoever comes to Me walking, I will come to him running. Whoever meets Me with enough sins to fill the earth, not associating any partners with Me, I will meet him with as much forgiveness.”

Vacation Done Right

My husband and I just came back from a week long trip to Bali (8 nights to be exact). I curated the itinerary and decided to see as much of Bali as possible. As expected, Bali is huge and there are so much to see and do. Its very easy to get caught up in what other people are doing. I was always on Google maps looking for things to do and places to visit. I saw that it is what everyone else is doing too. I was trying to feel as excited about Bali like how my sister is always so passionate when talking about Bali. I guess her vibe is not our vibe.

The whole experience made me wonder. What does an ideal holiday looks like for me?

I tried not to cramped too much activities for this trip but it seems like we felt a bit guilty when we just laze around and spent time on our gadgets instead of exploring or doing something. I feel like i need to define what holiday means for me. Is holiday the same with travel? If we do not enjoy the travel are we still on a holiday? 

A holiday is a time off from work and any responsibilities. That sounds like my typical time on the weekends when the kids are not around. Maybe that is why, holiday for me needs to involve being away from home and preferably on a foreign soil, trying new things. 

I'm not sure of my feelings right now. Do i have to much worldly desire hence I am feeling dissatisfied?  Or is it just my hormone acting up?