Travel Recapped

We just got back from our trip to Langkawi and Koh Lipe. It was supposed to be our honeymoon but since I got my period 2 days before the trip, the whole trip was more like a trip with you super best friend.

We spent sometime in Langkawi and then 1 night in Koh Lipe before going back home through Langkawi. Since we are travelling in the middle of Covid 19 outbreak, there was no long Q anywhere. Koh Lipe was somewhat quieter even though it is on high season.

We did enjoy ourselves nonetheless. Swimming and snorkeling. Walking by the beach. Drinking coffee, eating ice creams. It was fun but like all every other trips, its tiring.

When we got back to Langkawi from Koh Lipe, we are so ready to go home. 4 nights is just nice for us. We get to do a bit of everything. He indulged me with everything I wanted and we also has started planning our next trip.

He wants to travel again in June which is his birthday month and also Raya month. Not too sure if it is the best time to travel but that is his plan. If we are to bring the kids with us, it has to be somewhere nearby. I am thinking of Redang or Tioman island. It has to be a resort so that the kids will not be too bored.

Laguna is the only nice resort in Redang whilst Berjaya would be the one for Tioman. But with all these covid 19 cases, we are not sure if it is advisable to even go to work or school now.

Underlying Cause

When confronting any issues/situation/problems, I have the tendency to look into the underlying cause of whatever issues/situation/problems that I may have. This is some sort of a job requirement because our department needs to provide solution for problems that have yet to surface. Most of the time, we need to expect the worst in any given situation and provide a solution for it even if that worst case scenario may not even happen.

Due to this occupational hazard, i tend to over analyze a lot of things in my life. I questioned every single move that anyone close to me makes every single day. This would include my family members, my colleagues etc.

I find that this over analyzing obsession helps me in certain situation but most of the time it creates a lot of doubts. I will keep on asking questions like, why are they so nice to me? Is it genuine or are they like pretending to be nice to me because .... Or, why is she late today? Is the excuse she is giving is legit? Or is she pretending to be sick bla bla bla..

Sometimes, I even over analyze petty things like certain behaviour of certain social media influncer which have no bearing whatsover in my life. I would have thoughts like, are they really crying coz they are sad or are they doing it for the views and the clicks?

When I am talking to my kids, when my kids present me with a story, I would always analyze every single words they said to me. I analyze their actions as well. I try to figure the intention behind every action and every words. Is this a bad thing to do? They are sweet kids. Always trying to pleased me. But, I am the type of person who will get uncomfortable with praises. Am i wrong to over analyzed these kids?

Gratitude List No. 1 for 2020

Last year, 2019 I only manage to write 1 gratitude list. I wrote another one but it was only in draft form because I started to complain whilst writing the list - which I feel defeat the whole purpose of being grateful. But then again, 2019 was one of the shortest year I ever had due to the circumstances surrounding my life. I have a lot to be grateful for, I am grateful yet I did not have the time to write them all down. I want to be better this year.

Today, I really truly am feeling grateful for what I have today. Alhamdulillah, I had a hectic weekend. On Saturday, Eddy sat for an exam and I had a dinner event. Eddy picked up the kids on Saturday evening and went for a movie. They picked me up at 11 and we went home. Sunday was busy. I was cooking and cleaning after the kids. In the evening, we sent them back to Putrajaya. A few hours later, we received a call from the eldest that they need to stay over till Wednesday. That would mean that I will have my hands full this week.

Last night was probably the last night we could be alone without the kids. My nights these days are filled with endless kissing and love making. I could hardly believe that I get to marry someone who is just as passionate as me. Let's just see what happen tonight. The youngest really love to knock on our doors and sleep with his daddy which totally annoys the heck out of me. I need to find solution for that.

Update:
The kids were great. They slept early. Woke up early and did not knock on our door. Eddy is always forever so helpful. He is just great.

Novel Coronavirus (Covid)

This is the most terrifying news I've read for the past 2 weeks. I am no expert in this area so please read up on novel coronavirus to understand the subject matter.

The virus has been spreading at an alarming rate all over the world and the ground zero is a province in China. This epidemic has led to a total lockdown of Wuhan, where the virus was first identified. The whole thing is complicated by the fact that China can be a very secretive government. The flow of information is being monitored so who is able to verify whether whatever information that is being broadcast is actually accurate.

So now WHO, local governments and even my own company have issued warnings and precautionary measures to follow. As the vaccine has yet to be found and the total death toll has risen to more than 1000 (which is more than SARS), I could only pray for Allah to protect us all.

I still remember the news a few days before coronavirus hits. It was on muslims of  Uyghur which was being oppressed by the China government. There were a lot of news report, statements and videos being published to create awareness on this issue until coronavirus strikes. I pray that Allah protects our Uyghur's brothers and sisters during this trying times.

I do know that everything is God's plans and God's plan is the best as He is the best planner.

2020

It is already the mid of 2nd month of 2020. I have been very slow in updating this blog which actually serves as my journal coz I dont think anybody read it except me.

Anyhow, just a quick recap.

1. I am married! Alhamdulillah.. I like to think that the majlis went well but of course there are dramas as per normal in my family

2. I have moved into my own house last week! Another reason to be super grateful for my life.

3. January was hectic. I was in Penang for work every single week! It was tough on me and Eddy I think. But the long distance makes the reunion so much sweeter.

4. We did manage a quick getaway to Melaka. I was feeling a bit feverish and the trip did made me feel better.

5. Eddy my husband is annoying, helpful, sweet, romantic, annoying and sweet. He has been everything I asked from God and more. Yes, I wrote annoying twice just because I can be easily annoyed by his antics.

Savings Habit

I like to think that I am not that good in saving money and that is why last year I force myself to take up ASB loan. I was a little bit dissapointed to find out that the dividend declared this was lower than last year. Nonetheless, I considered that as a bonus to be kept for the future. If I am going to maintain the same amount for at least 5 years, I would have at least 60K in the bank.

I would love to accumulate at least 100K by the time I am 40. I already have a bit of money saved in my tabung haji. I would have enough money to perform haj in a year's time (or so). But now that I am getting married, I would want my husband to follow me for haj. As such, I need to device a plan for him to start saving for haj as well. 

Maybe I could ask him to give me 50 per week. In a month, I would have 200. In a year, he would have at least 2.4k. He would need at least 15k to be able to go with Tabung Haji and 50k if we want to go with a private package. I think my mom used the same method on my dad.

To me it is important to have a clear priority. Focus on what is most important. Find God and the rest will fall into place.

I do have other dreams like a trip to Europe on Christmas time, a honeymoon in Maldives etc. We are just starting out as a family so we need to start somewhere. Let's start right...

Bismillah!

Building Better Habits

I've been receiving a weekly newsletter from the author James Clear. He is an author who advocates in developing better habit because better habits leads to a better lifestyle and better lifestyle will give you better result. Instead of focusing on having a better goals, have a better lifestyle.

Today I am thinking about the type of lifestyle I want to sustain for 2020. There will be changes in circumstances which would lead to some sort of change in habits and lifestyle. But those changes are expected changes. I would want to make sure that each change would lead to a better me.

As we will be newly weds, I would aim to have a modest, low key lifestyle. For the next 3 years, I would like to focus on building our nest. Lots of homecook meals, lots of walks in the park on the weekends, lots of staying in watching tv series. We will have trips, but will need to make it low key as well. Focus on the moments spend together instead of sharing everything with the rest of the world. I have Langkawi trip in March. Maybe we just have a low key time in the islands, keep the budget to a minimum and then focus on another trip after UPSR ends with the kids.

I would like to accumulate at least 10k by the end of next year from saving. I will have some dividend payout from ASB this year which I want to use to buy more shares so that next year I would have more dividend payout. I will  have to set aside at least 850 per month on top of the current 200 i already been setting aside into my Tabung haji. The ultimate goal is to have 100k (excluding my tabung haji saving) by the time I am 40. What am I going to do with 100k?, Probably put it in a fixed deposit and just watch it grow. Maybe take a trip on my 40th birthday to somewhere really nice. Hopefully I get to perform Haj with my husband. Ameen..

Let's get back to my original post which is lifestyle change. I want to be able to save more and be debt free again. I have this personal loan that is really bugging me. I will renegotiate the terms with the bank next year to see if I can pay it off earlier. That would ease up my monthly expenses.

So next year's lifestyle change would revolve around spending less than I earn so that we can save more.

New Habit for Next Year:

Packed lunch
Less grab
Cook more
Pay less using credit card, only use cash
have a fixed monthly budget
Less showing off at social media
focus on real stuff in front of me
read more

Uninspired

I have a handful of drafts. I've been typing out the titles of the posts and end up not writing or not finishing the posts. Feeling so uninspired.

 The last 2 weeks had been rough. I ended up filling so sick for the past 3 days. My sinus is all blocked and probably infected. I have been using sterimar to normalize my sinus irrigation, drinking lots of water and taking some meds to clear up the flu-like symptoms.

Luckily, work-wise, things have been slowing down a bit. I have time to make plans for honeymoon and holidays. the not so nice part is that my house is still stuck. it is really troublesome having something like that just stuck not moving despite all the follow up. ugh...

I need something positive to think about but I couldnt find any for the time being.

Medical Psychology

This is a long post. This is just my mental note so that I do not forget these 2 important events.

Late last year, I had the scare of my life when I heard the news that 1 of my close friend went missing for almost a week. Knowing her and her character, we jumped to the worst conclusion ever. I just silently hope and prayed that she was fine. May Allah protect us all.

A week after the news that she was missing went viral on social media, she was found. She checked herself into a mental hospital and went for ruqyah sessions. Apparently she was a victim of black magic. The person who did that was someone who has been eyeing for her position in the university (my friend is a lecturer). I remember discussing her condition with my ex-bf. I simply asked him if anyone would find me in case i went missing. If anyone would even noticed that I was gone. Would he feel worried etc... Being a nice guy that he is, of course he gave me the kind of answer I want to hear.

Who would have known that, a few months after that, my ex-bf faced somewhat similar situation. However, his condition was more extreme because he was admitted into a mental hospital. He was diagnosed with psychosis. His mental just got disconnected with reality and he just keep on rumbling nonsense.

I get to visit him when he was less than 10 days in the hospital. Prior to the visit, I spoke with him over the phone almost everyday. Just asking him what he wants to eat, how is he doing etc and telling him that I am coming to visit. There was one time that he told me no need to come as he was planning to come over to KL. just to get away from things and rest. I just told him, i want to see him and let me know if he needs anything.

I flew to KK on a Saturday morning. A friend picked me up from the airport and we went to the hospital with 2 buckets of KFC coz that what he asked for. When we arrived, his family (mom, aunty and sisters) were already there. It was lunch time. The first time he saw me, he looked so confuse. As if he didn't know that I was coming to visit him. He walked towards me and gave me a huge hug. He whispered, "I'm sorry" and I replied "It's ok. You are ok". My take on his condition that day, he was just off. He was not himself. A part of him was being replaced by someone or some "thing" that I don't recognized. I sensed bits and pieces of him but his demeanor was just off.

The next day (Sunday), my flight out to KL was scheduled late in the evening. So I planned just to hang out with him. I told his family that they can take some time off and not worry about him that day. He seemed different on Sunday. He was himself. 95% himself. We talked about everything. We made plans. He was hopeful and positive which made me hopeful and positive as well.

2 days after I came back from KK, i flew to Osaka for a week. Upon my return form Osaka, I start researching his condition. From my reading, I think he went through psychosis due to marijuana consumption and developed bipolar disorder due to that. At that time, he was still in the hospital. I called to speak to him and felt that his spirit was dwindling. Its harder to speak to him as he slept more. When I get to speak to him, he sounded irritated. I pleaded to the family to get him out of the hospital as soon as possible. I can sensed that he is no longer doing well.

There was a long weekend holiday in February due to Chinese New Year. I decided to flew to KK just to check on him. If he was still not discharge, I just want to hangout with him and keep him company. I was down with fever and flu at that time. It was a prolonged condition had it since December. Probably due to the back to back flights during that period. A day before I was supposed to fly to KK, I got the news that he had been discharged. I texted him and told him that I will be in KK just recovering from my flu. We can get together whenever he feel like he is up to it. He just replied that he just want to stay home. I am fine with it.

I was in KK for 3 nights if I'm not mistaken. I spent a lot of time just walking around KK playing tourist. I also managed to go to the islands near KK. But since I was feverish, I couldn't really enjoy the water. The last night i was there, I texted his sister and told her that I want to drop by the next day. She was shocked to know that I was in KK but she was kind enough to invite me to her house.

I met him at his sister's place. He was depressed. His short term memory was bad. He hardly remember that I came to visit him a few weeks back but he still remember a lot of things from our past. He was suicidal and seeing him like that made me so sad. All I can do is to pray to God for his recovery. He sent me to the airport. We said our goodbyes and I felt that I said goodbye to a stranger. He is no longer the person I once knew.

We still keep in touch. He would sometime called me out of the blue. I think he is feeling much better now. He is no longer on medication but he still refuse to leave the house. His family took him to Thailand but he doesn't look like he enjoyed himself. I texted his sister once in awhile just to check on him. He is well and that is all that matters.

The whole experience ignites my interest in psychology. I was first introduced to this subject when I was in high school. I did consider getting my bachelor degree in psychology but my family (aka. my uncle Podin), was (and still is) against the idea. Researching on the conditions suffered by both my friends made me realized that I really like reading materials on psychology decided to take up a master course in medical psychology with a local university. From my research also I found out that Malaysia do not have enough psychiatrist and mental illness is no. 2 silent  killer after heart condition among Malaysians. I received the invitation to go for interview last week and decided to turn it down since my current personal affairs is too hectic at the moment. I might try to apply again next year, insyaAllah. If I could help people get better, I want to do that. I want to be useful to the people in need. May Allah ease and protect us all.

Gratitude List No.1 for 2019

Its been awhile since I wrote down the things I am grateful for these days. I do a lot of oral gratitude these days. Alhamdulillah, I have been taking care of my mandatory prayers and through those, I verbalize my gratitude.

First of all, I am grateful for this health and life and opportunity that God has given me. The gift of  having a healthy life in this beautiful world is something that no one should ever forget. This amazing life I have is all thanks to Allah. He gave me happiness by sending me so many beautiful souls, friendly faces, miracles after miracles that I witness just by looking at all His creations. SubhanAllah.. I hope and pray that Allah grants me the ability to discover more beauty and only to see the beautiful side of everything.

I am so happy and grateful for the job that I have. My company pays me handsomely. Treat me fairly and always take care of my welfare. Other than that, I am so blessed to have amazing colleagues who always cheer me up and assist me in anyway they can. I am happy for the opportunity to be apart of huge projects that is being undertaken by the Company.

I am so happy and grateful for the love of my life that God has just sent to me. He is so considerate, so loving and thoughtful. He cares for me and the amount of love he has for me, MasyaAllah... I hope and pray that he will take me to Jannah and this love we have for each other last all through out our life.

I am grateful for the fact that Allah is always so merciful to all of us. Keep on asking for His forgiveness, keep on doing all the things to please Him, keep the faith and never lose hope in Allah, insyaAllah, He will guide you..

Happy weekend everyone.

Thoughts

InsyaAllah, I will be entering into a new chapter of my life this coming December. The opening of this new chapter also opens several new ventures that I need to consider. When I say "I" its actually "we" since it will be "our" chapter.

I am feeling slightly overwhelm with the whole thing hence this post. I need to sort out my thoughts so that I do not implode.

Current situation:

Eddy works in Putrajaya. Has kids in Putrajaya and a fully functional (crazy parking space situation) public servant's residence. It takes him almost an hour (46mins to be exact) for him to go to Putrajaya from Damansara (vice versa). He doesn't have a reliable car.

Meanwhile, I am working near my house here in Damansara. But my house is a studio unit which is not suitable to house 2 adults with 2 kids. I have a car, which is old, break down once in awhile but still roadworthy. 

Conundrum:

After we get married, we are "supposed" to live together under the same roof. Since I live near my workplace, it will be easy for me to walk to and fro so it would make sense if Eddy moved in with me. But, since my house is a studio unit, it would not be reasonable for us to keep living in that unit. Where will the kids sleep when they come over? Plus, Eddy has to commute to Putrajaya using my old car. I am not sure how long can the car "tahan" with that sort of mileage every single day.

Initial plan (which is actually "my plan" which will be subjected to many opinions from my mom and concurrence by Eddy)

It would only make sense if I get a house with at least 2 bedrooms in the same building I am currently staying. With regards to the car, it would only be prudent if we change it to a newer more reliable car.

Both plans require new financial obligations which we may not be willing to take on at this moment. The wedding itself requires money (like a lot). It has been paid for (by my parents), but there are a few other small things to compliment the event itself which will come up to almost 10K from my own pocket. I have promised my mom, to transfer to her a fixed sum of money to pay for the wedding. I am not in deficit (yet) but seeing the bills to slowly pile up and my money flowing out of my bank account like tap water is not fun ok.

Let see how this weekend goes.

For the Sake of Allah

I am in a relationship. A normal one but the pace it is currently going, made it seems rather abnormal. I met him approximately 1 month ago on social media. We started chatting and getting to know each other until he decided to show up at my parent's place on Raya. Its a long story but yes. The first time we met was in front of my whole family.

The thing that attracts me the most about him is that, he is very clear with his purpose when it comes to me. He has laid down his plans and his plans feels like pieces that just fall into all the right places in my life. He fits almost so perfectly with my ideals.

Truth be told, I was at the point of surrendering my fate to whatever that Allah has planned for me. I gave up searching for the one. I gave up my needs to marry anyone. I was on that social media dating app just to waste whatever time I have and to make me feel less lonely.

I remember my du'a last Ramadhan whereby I asked God to give me strength to accept whatever that He has planned for me. I asked God to make me a person who will be accepted to Jannah. If I didn't meet my jodoh in this world and there is no one to take me to Jannah, I asked Allah to grant our beloved prophet SAW to receive me into Jannah. That is all I asked for. Jannah.

When I met Eddy, I told him that I want him to be pleased with me. I want to make him happy coz I know, if he is happy, if he redha with my presence, I get to enter Jannah from any door that I pleased. Now that is my mission, to please Allah and my future husband so that I get to enter Jannah.

Our preparation for our big day is under way. Everything is progressing as planned, alhamdulillah. We keep on praying for Allah to ease everything and be pleased with us.

Aamiin

Ramadhan 2019

Alhamdulillah. Allah masih memberi kesempatan untuk kita bertemu dengan bulan mulia, bulan Ramadhan. Hari ini hari ke-3 umat Islam berpuasa namun aku masih belum diberi kesempatan untuk berpuasa. InsyaAllah, aku mohon agar esok dapatlah aku berpuasa, beribadat, mengejar pahala yg berganda di bulan istimewa ini.

Alhamdulillah. Walaupun aku belum dapat berpuasa, Allah telah merencanakan untuk aku dan adikku untuk berbuka bersama. Sekarang kami meluangkan banyak waktu bersama atas sebab-sebab tertentu. I am thankful for that.

Azam Ramadhan 2019:

Taraweh di Masjid Wilayah & TTDI
Membaca Quran setiap solat fardhu
Perbanyak solat sunat & zikir
Elak pembaziran
Perbanyak doa

Semoga Allah menerima amalan kita dan mempermudahkan setiap urusan. Aameen.