Anxiety

Been feeling anxious since last week. Don't think I have a restful weekend due to this anxiety.

Over the weekend, I spent my time watching motivational videos. One of the video was by Simon Sinek explaining about all the different hormones that are release by our body during different situations. There 4 good positive hormones but there is 1 bad hormones release by the body during stressful situation i,e cortisol. It is not good as it suppress your immune system. That is why, those who work in a high stressed environment are more incline to fall sick.

I need to reset my mind and thinking. Rise above the stressful situation at work or just be braver and don't give a shit. Probably I need to do all the above to overcome my anxiety issue. It is easier to overcome all this if you can focus on something else or someone else.

When my other half was nearby, I get to separate my self between my office and personal life (most of the time). When I have to bring my work home, it will get mashup together but there will always be time that I could just stop working and focus on him. Since he is no longer around, my mind is at work all the time. I tried to set goals, personal goals, daily goals but my mind will always worry about my job. I am just scared that I am not good enough. I am scared that I made mistake. I am scared all the time now when in reality, the experience is not as scary as I think it is.

Worries and being anxious is such a waste of time. I put on this brave face everyday when my inside is just a jumble of mess. I am still not doing what I am suppose to be doing and I blame my self for that.

Gratitude List No. 2 - Meeting My Needs

Yesterday I had a good workout at the gym. I spend 40 mins on cardio and around 10-15mins on weight and resistance training. Today I intend to go to the class for more cardio session.

I manage to cook a nice dinner after I got back. Tuna bolognese. No pasta. Ate it with omelette and some fresh green vegies. Had a nice cup of hot cocoa and watched some Netflix. Before 10am, I am already fast asleep.

I am so grateful that I love my current house. I love having a place and living alone. I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Such a bliss.

I woke up quite early. had a good discussion and now all my work is proceeding smoothly. Its lunch time. I manage to prepare some pasta so that I can eat it with my tuna bolognese.

I need to buy some bread and refuel my car. I will do that today after gym.

It has been a good day.

Gratitude List No. 1 - Socializing?

I am focusing and channeling my mind to focus on the good things that is happening in my life instead of the negative.

Due to my new coffee consumption habit, I have actually shed some weight. I just realised it yesterday when I put on a shirt which was smaller that what I would normally wear. Probably M size. I just need to maintain that habit.

I get to visit my new gym last weekend. I love all the equipment. If I spend enough time there sweating, I could shed serious weight!

I have so much time on my hands right now. I want to spend it working on my self. Improving my self. Physically, spiritually. I need to resume my work on improving my relationship with God. Prepare for Umrah on January. Yeah... I got my work cut out for me.

I am thinking of a social life. I don't have many friends which some will view as odd. I have a colleague who is also single. Should I spend more time with her? She is pleasant and all. Maybe we could plan a short getaway together.

Getaway. That is something I really need. Making plans to go to Tioman. I miss the island. The white sands and the blue ocean.

I Don't Know What I Want

At this very moment, I have no idea what I want. I receive a surprising news early last week and the news threw me off balance for a week now. To date, my mind is still a ball of mess. I can't focus. I don't know how I'm feeling, I don't know what to do. What I know is that, I hate this situation I'm in right now.

I know I have to rise above the mess. I have to find the courage within me. I know all the right thing to do. I know what I am supposed to do but I don't have the will to do it. Somehow right now, I rather moped around, feeling sorry for my self. Its pathetic I know but... Argh!!!

The weekend didn't help, The work didn't help. The tears didn't help. Nothing works right now.

Not sure whether a news I have just received today will make my situation worsen or better. I may have to transfer to another company. Its temporary but it mean a change. Another change! I am flexible and all but considering everything that I have on my plate right now, I'm not sure if too much change is a good thing or not.

I do believe everything happens for a reason and if you believe in the miracle and God, you know that God only gives you what you need and whatever it is given, it is good for you. It is for the best because it is arrange by God.

What is best for me now is to let nature takes it course. Submit to God's will. Do the best that I can with what has been given to me.

Budget

Making ends meet. That's what we as adults have to do. I earn a comfortable living but still I am tied to a budget due to financial mistakes I made in my 20s.

Hopefully, by the end of this year, I get to set aside more money for leisure such as travel and beauty and perhaps a property.

Back to the topic which is budget. I don't think that I am always on a tight budget coz my budget still give me means to splurge on things that I like. We did have a tight budget when we were in a transition period. We calculate everything. Set a budget down to every last ringgit of each day just so that we could get by for that particular month. That was then. Now, I roughly know how much I need to spend each month. If I manage to spend even lesser, that's a win for me.

I actually love calculating my budget. Feels so satisfied when I manage to crossed out items from my checklist. Will be receiving my salary soon so it means I get to review and calculate my budget for next month. I wish I can be more frugal so that I get to save up more money for vacations and nice things.

Expectations

Is it wrong to have high expectation? Expecting someone else to be fair to you. Expecting others to treat you as you treat them.

I learned that when you expect so much from someone else, when you put so much hope on others, you will end up being dissapointed. People are naturally selfish. Human is always on their very own survival mode. Not many willing to sacrifice for you. They will always put their need first

When you know that you could not expect too much from others, why do we keep putting hopes on people other than yourself? Sadly, for the time being, I don't have a clever answer to that question.

At this very moment, all I could say is that, putting any hopes on others is such a silly thing to do. People do not care about you. They just care about themselves. Their own survival. Their own happiness.

I guess, when you are used to relying on your selves and expecting nothing from others, you will not worry about being dissapointed or be mad at those other than your selves.

List, Listing, Listed, Lists

A few months back I read an article written by the Virgin's Founder Richard Branson whereby he loves making lists and tips of making a good list. Today I further read that making lists help to overcome anxiety and boosts creativity. No wonder I love listing out plans whenever I'm anxious.

Lets make a few short lists for fun!

Lists of food I can cook (coz I'm kinda hungry at the moment)

1. curry - vegies, eggs, chicken, beef
2. soups - same as above
3. pasta - bolognese, marinara, meatballs
4. fried rice/noodles - easy peasy
5. sandwiches - be creative! french toast everything!
6. salads - eggs and potato salad, coleslaw, chicken salad, etc
7. laksa - haven't make this in awhile
8. desserts - give me a recipe and I can do anything
9. sambal tempeh with anchovies - pack full of protein!
10. sambal udang and tempoyak - stinky but owh so good!
11. fritters - potatoes, anchovies, onions. Local snacks.


Lists of places I love in Malaysia

1. Melaka - top of the list. Its small, it has everything for everyone. History, food and culture.
2. TTDI - greenary, lots of good coffee place and so near from my house
3. Cameron Highland - cold climate, tea and fresh fruits and vegetables
4. Petaling Jaya - so many malls, so many awesome makan places, so many choices
5. Islands - Perhentian is the best, then its Tioman.
6. Taiping - the weather is always so romantic.
7. Kuala Lumpur - its a metropolitan. It has everything.  

Plans, Planning, Planners

I love making plans. When I am just struggling with current situation, when the reality is just so hard to swallow, I will make plans.

Financial plans, vacation plans, meal plans, you name it. I will make them all. Normally I do it when I'm bored alone at home. And sometimes I do it when my head is just a pile of mess waiting to explode.

However, sticking to the plan, or executing the plans are a different subject matter altogether. Making plans divert my mind from dealing with the current situation and focusing on the plans, the future, the endless possibilities.

Currently I am a bit worried about making ends meet. My budget for this month and next month is a bit affected. I took up a new insurance policy and they made a huge initial deduction. I also had to send my car for repairs and that also hurt me financially. Everything is supposed to return to normal on September and on November, i will be free from my car loans. I am sooo looking forward to that.

Honestly, I am looking forward to end this year as soon as possible. I think next year will be much much better for me.

Consistency

Feel so uninspired lately. been hard to be steadfast on anything. Weight loss challenge was a total bust in my opinion. Maybe i loss a bit of weight but it so small that I don't want to even acknowledge it. Finance challenge is a total bust as well eventho my finance is still above water.

I can't wait for this year to end so that I can look forward to a new salary scale, a bonus (maybe) and a lower monthly debt repayment.

Got nothing to look forward to for the next couple of months. Feeling miserable as I am always stressed out at work. Sometimes stressed out at home as well.Thinking of a holiday, most probably in October during Deepavali.

There are many things that I need to do. Important things that I've been putting off. Why I can't just do it??

major car servicing - < 2k (estimated)
emergency funds - 6k

Those are the 2 important thing i should be working on right now. i need a system and i need to stick to it. i should just close 1 eye and transfer out my money to another acc? I should just try that out first kan? I can set aside 600 per month. No big deal. Once i pay off my car loan, I can set aside more than 1k. That is happening hopefully by November.

I hope this foul mood of mind improve soon.

Scared To Be Lonely

Sounds like a lyric to the recent hit song. Oh well... it is

M thinking of travelling but I'm scared of being alone while travelling. I have a travelling partner now, but that friend is not an adventurous type. Can be pushed to doing certain things but got mood swing one. Really prefers staying indoors type of person. Really not suitable if you want to explore and walkabout aimlessly.

I want to see small towns in England. Still... I am crushing on England hard! If I get to migrate or just became an expatriate, England is where I want to go.

I have so many plans in my mind right now. Not just travelling but also making big purchases. My car broke down last Wednesday. Managed to get it fix but since it is an old car, I'm thinking of replacing it with a new one. But it is such a big purchase. Such a waste of money when I already have a good working vehicle.

If I calculated correctly, when I finished a few loans and the hire purchase loan, I would have an extra of more than 1000 per month. Yes, I can afford to buy a new one, but the question is whether I want to or not? I would rather save all that money to travel.

Decision, decision...

You Can Make What You Want

So I came across this old video on law of attraction on facebook yesterday. I am not a stranger to this concept. Basically, I believe that you/I can attract anything we think and feel about. You attract what you want and what you don't want depending on which one you are thinking about more.

So today I've decided to go on a trip most probably a solo trip to Europe and may be UK. All I need to think about is that trip. I aim to make it happen in the mid of towards the end of next year. I am researching everything about the places I am going to see and the things I'm going to do.

I want to focus on ma king me happy first.

Travel Bug

This happens every once in awhile. The feeling of wanting to travel. The urge to just make plans. I'm creating alerts for flights tix to Bali, Amsterdam and UK. I'm looking at my financial and mentally calculating when I could carry out these plans. I'm looking at calendars just to see all the holidays I could utilize.

 I'm hoping I would be rewarded with a year end bonus. That would mean I have enough money to travel sometime early next year. My mom invited me to do umrah in February so, my best bet would be a few months after that coz I cant be taking back to back long leave from work.

So, practically I'm planning to go on leave May next year provided its not yet puasa month. If not, its gonna be August next year. That's a long way to go meaning I have a lot of time to plan and save up.

Should I plan for a solo trip? Never done it before. A bit scary come to think of it. But with proper planning, it should go well. Will it gonna be fun tho? You will only know once you try it right?

Draggy Monday

Had a lazy weekend which was much needed and welcomed. Today, starting the week with boredness. Work was slow and my mind is still thinking of vacation.

Been binging on The Tudors over the weekend. Just looking at the England's landscape made me feel like wanting to return back to England. I miss the cool weather and beautiful scenery. The thing is travelling overseas is so expensive. Flight tix is expensive, accommodation, ground arrangement. But to me, if you plan and manage your travel wisely, you could save much.

Should I make plans to go back to England? It has to be a 2018 plan which is such a looong way to go. Making plans doesn't cost money so why not??