Focus

I want to focus on these few things starting today onwards. May Allah ease

1. Worry less (redha) - trust Allah's plan as He is the best planner

I'm hoping to become a calmer and more hopeful and positive person. Probably I'll be a happier person as well who complaint less and accept everything as it is. Trusting Allah that it is Him that intended everything to happen. 

Faith is Trusting God when you don't even understand His plan

2. Be humble (No pride)

Whatever i have today, is from Allah. I need to remember that. I have nothing if not for Allah. My imaan in my heart is from Allah, my faith, my ability to remember Allah and keep worship Allah is because Allah allows me. Be humble always as Allah can easily take all of it from me. 

Do everything to please Allah. Be mindful of Allah. Make Allah our main consideration in each decision, action and plan

None shall enter Paradise who has in his heart a mustard seed of pride

3. Only love things that Allah also loves and hate those that Allah hates

4. I need to increase doing the ibadah that I love. Quran recitation as well as voluntary solah 

Umrah 2022

 Thank you Allah for making it easy for us.

This umrah felt different for a number of factors:

1. we went on our own. DIY style. we were left to our own device and we left our fate to Allah.
2. i went with my husband. the person i prayed for during my last umrah in 2018
3. i can feel how close Allah is with me through out the journey
4. there were many tests with the sole purpose of teaching me the true meaning of 'sabr'
5. my heart yearns to be in tanah suci even more now compared to my last umrah

I'm feeling very small changes or progress I'm making in my everyday life. It doesnt feel like much, I still feel like I'm not doing enough but I really am trying my very best. I pray that I get to increase my ibadah.

One of the revelations or reminders that was given to me was my doa for paradise.

In Ramadhan of 2019, I pray to enter paradise through the easiest way possible that is through a husband who is pleased with me. If I was meant to not have a husband, i pray that Allah makes me good enough so that Rasulullah SAW is the one who will invite me to enter jannah. 

As Jannah is expensive and the roads that leads to jannah is long and hard, Allah put upon me trials after trials which concerns my husband. The way he treated me during umrah was an eye opener. He was unusually impatience and occasional rough when he spoke to me. All I can think about is Allah is testing my patience so all I need to do is sabr because sabr is half of imaan. 

Being a soft hearted and super tearful person, I did broke down a few times due to his actions. I know that it is especially bad for my husband if he is the one who caused my tears to fall. Every time it happens, i will istighfar and seek forgiveness to Allah for our weaknesses. 

Now, I am actively looking for ways to get even closer to Allah and not lose this special bond forged with Allah during umrah. May Allah make it easy for me.

Gratitude List

We went to MATTA fair last Saturday. Bought ourselves cruise tickets that we've been eyeing on for awhile. Can hardly wait for 9th January to come. 

Perhaps, all I need to do is focus on the things that I want and truly have faith that I'm gonna somehow get it. 

We are also planning for Umrah in October. InsyaAllah, if God pleases with us, we get to visit the Holy lands once again. May Allah grant us ease. Ameen

We are also planning for a trip next year. Hopefully we can finally visit UK and Europe's christmas markets. It has been a dream of  mine for years!

The hadanah case is proceed as plan. There were talks on settlement but we do hope that our counsel is able to maneuver the case to our advantage.

In the meantime, lets pray and dream for a better days

incomprehensible

 I am feeling loss

Not too sure of the cause

Comparing lives with the most

Obviously not the healthiest choice

Manage to survive the year yet at what cost

Planning and planning but with no recourse

Remembering remorse

Enormous force

Heavy in my heart and my brain across

Enemy to my course

Nearly troublesome

Sitting in lonesome

Immaterial

Bother

Leave me 

Empty

How Much Time Do We Have Left?

This is a heavy question that crossed my mind recently. My cousin (from my mom's side) passed away a week ago. She was not even 50 years old yet. She got married probably less than 10 years ago. She had no kids of her own. Her death was sudden (at least for me).

She was a kind soul but sort of a drifter. She has big ideas, loved giving advices and motivation to other but didn't get to accomplish much on her own. I'm not sure where it went wrong but I do hope she was happy and made her love ones happy. Perhaps, at the end of the day, I just hope those who I left behind would say nice things about me. 

I hope they remember me fondly even though I rarely gave them any reason to think of me at all. I prefer to live my life my way. I have a very small circle of friends but I do keep my family close enough.

If I know how much time I have left in this world, would I act differently? 

Gratitude List

Its been awhile since I last count my blessing. This could be the reason why I was being so unhappy for the past few days. My menses, being overwhelm by the hormones could be the other thing too.

Be that as it may, I'm here to count my blessings. I just got promoted. Effective 1 July 2022. After more than 6 years in the company, I'm finally promoted. New pay scale, benefits etc. I am grateful for it all.

I'm still married. My husband bought me a perfume few weeks ago. That was a nice gesture. I don't use much perfume. I had 2 that I bought myself a few years ago. Still using them. Now I have 3. I like the smell. Not too overwhelming.

I have nice friends and colleagues. Ever so supportive. Always there whenever I need to socialize. 

My family is still my biggest blessings. I didn't get to go back during Raya Haji a few days ago, but I did cook for the whole family. We got a box of mutton and beef. I made nasi minyak and ayam masak merah and ayam masak kicap

I'm healthy and well. Have not been exercising for a few days now but I'm well. 

I find it hard to muster my feelings into this list which is not ideal. But it is what it is

Creating Magical Moments

I've been watching too much Italian related contents on social media and tv. Last nite, I tried to create my own Italian experience by cooking pasta accompanied by Italian songs playing in the background. Its amazing how your brain can transport you to the place you are thinking of only by using your imagination. 

I felt as if my kitchen is wider, more spacious. The feeling stayed with me until today. Its bewildering how we can trained our brain to perceive things in a different way. The formula is to include feelings together with our thoughts. Grateful, happy feelings are so powerful and able to change the way your brain perceived things all around you. I am so grateful that I own a house that has everything that I love in it.

Whilst I already came to know about the life changing benefit of thinking positively when you couple those thoughts with good feelings, the challenge is really about setting out the time for yourself. Sometimes I feel like 24 hours a day is hardly enough. I'm at work during day time, I need to go home and make dinner afterwards and then set aside some time for physical activity. This can be a real struggle when you are drained after a whole day of work.

Recently I manage to set aside at least an hour at night for a walk or a visit to the gym. I need to be consistent about it. It does feel good after such activity but I need to find balance because the other night, i overworked myself and I felt so lousy the next day. 

Consistency is key but finding the right balance is also as important. Easier said than done. That's for sure. All we can do is just to give our all every single day.

Manifestation (2)

I was just reading my first manifestation post. I manifested at least 1 of the item in the list. I had 3 epic trips with the family. Kuantan, Cameron during Raya and last week, we went to Kuching.

I'm having a bit of a downtime at work and despite that, I'm having a hard time focusing on finishing this post. Nevertheless, let's do a bit of writing and manifesting.

Its hajj season. Many of those I know were called for hajj this year. I am probably a tiny bit jealous but at the same time it is making me even more determine to save enough money so I get the offer as well. I wish to go for hajj when I am still healthy and fit. I also hope to be able to do korban next year and the year after next till the day I meet my Maker 

Manifesting a healthy and fit physical body. I've been trying to move more, getting more steps in and just sweat. I know the key is being consistent. I've started so I guess I've passed the no. 1 hurdle?

We were in Penang last week for a meeting. We passed by the pier and saw a Royal Caribbean ship. It was huge. I've thought about taking the star cruise some years back but never actually did it simply because I have no one to go with. We saw the tix on Klook and it was 1.4K per person. Its cheaper than taking a flight to oversea destination that's for sure!

Been watching a few chick flicks that were shot in Italy and France. Imagine eating my way through Italy. Strolling by Seine River in the evening. Staying in a house within a vineyard. Imagine how wonderful it would be!  

Anthony Bourdain - Story of Depression

Yesterday I spent some time watching the Roadrunner, a documentary on Anthony Bourdain. Did you know that he committed suicide? His story is eerily similar to Chester Bennigton, Linkin Park lead singer who also died after hanging himself as well as the famous fashion designer Kate Spade.

What these 3 have in common is they could have mental illness and suffering from depression. I am sure there are other probable common underlying factors, but to me, being successful comes with one apparent disadvantage. The idea of normalcy in your mind and those around you does not match with your reality. Whether you are mentally prepared to live in your reality when at the same time you keep on observing other people's life and their idea of normal. How does one reconciled these conflicting ideas?

I don't know why I always have this urge to do a deep dive after watching movies that are based on true story or a book and also documentary especially when the subject matter involves possible psychological issues. Am I in the wrong profession or is psychology just my side interest? A question to ponder in deed. I digress.

The cold hard truth is depression and mental illness is definitely on the rise. I'm not a qualified medical psychologist in any way shape or form, but I feel that mental illnesses are real medical issues. but they are very hard to diagnose and treated because the symptoms are not visible to the eyes. Depressions can take many form and could stem from so many sources. The fact that social media, the very medium that is supposed to bring people together but in reality is driving people further apart could be the main culprit.

I do feel like social media plays a huge role in the rising number of depressions especially amongst the younger generation. These interactive platforms that constantly feed our mind with celebrity updates, million dollar mansions and lifestyle of those rich and famous will definitely made any normal person green with envy. 

I do believe that we should do more to combat this. People need to be aware of the common symptom of mental illness not just for self diagnosis purposes but also to make sure our love ones do not suffer such torment alone. A community drive in the form of mental health awareness campaign should be promoted loudly and widely. Therapy sessions should also be made accessible everywhere and those public/training hospitals that already have those services should do more to promote their services

Kuching 2022

Last week we went to Kuching, Eddy's hometown. It was my 2nd time in Kuching. Its the first time I went back as married couple. Overall, it was a great trip. We went to many makan places and do things that I really enjoyed that are sightseeing and food-hunting. 

We spent 5 days and 4 nights. It was tiring. Its been awhile since I properly planned a trip/holiday. I made lots of rookie mistakes. I need to remember to get a mid morning flight to Kuching instead of the first flight out and not to take the last flight back as we will missed the ERL.

Tiny things, tiny bugs that bug me.

When is an annoyance turns into a problem?  What should be tolerated and what kind of issues need to be addressed quickly?

Big and heavy problem

I need to lose a lot of weight. I can see that some of my clothes do not fit me well anymore. I am aiming at least  3 session of gym this week, hopefully i can do more and be consistent about it. Better yet, be obsessed about my fitness journey.

It is work if you rather be doing something else

I am assessing my life choices. I did this at the start of the year. I dropped the ball for the past 3 months and I need to reassess again.

Is there something else I would rather do than doing my 9 to 5 jobs? Honestly, I have no idea.

I gave video making a try last month. It was a process. Not that complicated process but still a process. It can be an easy process, I just need to stick to it. Have a schedule for it. Grind. 

It is hard to keep doing it if you don't really believe in what you are doing. If you don't think you can actually be good at it. [Let's fake it till we make it]

I need to set a goal. Do at least 20 vids and then see what happened? Perhaps I can use this down time to get some ideas. Work on a script or something.

Am I manifesting a bigger problem? I hope not. I need to change my mind fast

Berat Mata Memandang

 Alhamdulillah. Dah Jumaat dah...

It was the first full week of me being back in the office. It was somewhat a fulfilling week. My hours are filled with sitting in front of the PC, reading documents, emails and just watching the rest of the team work. 

At least in the office, I dont feel lonely. At times I feel bored. Complacent. Everything is  becoming too easy for me.

Tomorrow we are going to Kuching. The first time going back as a wife. I am slightly excited. At first I was planning to visit a lot of places. But now I am feeling rather tired. I just want to have a relaxing getaway instead.

I have no expectation. I will just go with the flow. 

I really need to get back on the program. I'm feeling sluggish and I think my performance is not at my 100%. I'm not giving my all to everything I am doing. I'm not doing well for some reason. I need to motivate my self. I was good at pushing my self to doing something, but now... I'm just tired all the time. 

Just stick to the plan. What is the plan again?

Focus on the Big Things or Small?

 Nowadays I love taking hyperlapse moments. Usually its the sunset or sunrise, the skies with the cotton candy clouds or even rain and perhaps just the process of me finishing up my paintings. 

It is so easy to forget that there are bigger things, more important things happening all around us. Most of them are beautiful things like how we take for granted the blue skies. All we can see is blue sky with clouds but if we just focus on the sky, at that exact same spot for a period of time, we can see magnificent movement of the clouds. During sunset, you can sometime see the movement of the earth even. 

Things have been somewhat normal around the house. Things happening within us seems so small if we compared to the things out there. Nowadays, I tend to focus on things i can change. Those I can clearly make a different to. Small things. Like cleaning a spot in the kitchen. Vacuuming a corner of the house. These are distractions for my mind. 

There are also things, important things in play. Like the fact that my dad was tested positive for covid yesterday and mom could be positive too. Like the issues relating to Eddy's work has not been resolved to this day and it could cloud over both of us whenever we talked about it. Like the kids interview with the judge is coming up. It is a lot going on. But they are small, compared to things happening outside. 

I read a short story long time ago about focusing and the big things so that the small things would fall into places. The teacher ask the students to fill a jar with big pebbles, small pebbles and sands. The jar can be filled with all 3 objects if we first insert the big pebbles into the jar, followed by small pebbles and lastly the sand since sand is the smallest in size. Just like life. Focus on the big things first. 

With that in mind, I think, I should just take a breath, focus on keeping my mind calm by focusing on the big things so that my mind could sort out the small things, in due time

New Year 2022

2021 has been such a blur.  We were in lockdown even longer than 2020, we travelled less, we exercise less and consequently we gained more weight. 

Malaysia has been suffering greatly as well. Our political situation was just stabilizing and then massive flood hits leaving many displaced. The weather has been wet for the past month. Personally, I enjoyed sweater weather but when the it rains continuously, I fear for those who lived in flood prone area.

2022 brings in new hope but after what happened in 2021, everyone is more cautious. My plan is to invest in me. I signed up for a gym subscription and promised to go to at least 2 classes per week. I am currently looking into my personal finances and trying to come up with a monthly budget, so that I could save more this year. I feel like I want to be selfish this year and pay more attention on my own well being.

The decision on the interim application will come up on the 28th. We are not putting high hopes on that probably because we don't want to be disappointed. I personally don't want to focus my energy on it as it will surely ruin my mood.

Hopefully i will be more balanced this year. Physically, emotionally and financially. At the moment, that seems like a big ask. I can only hope and plan.