Gratitude List No. 5 - Learning to Love Me

Yesterday, we had a knowledge sharing session with my boss. We are always amaze with the way she does her work, handle the meeting and basically think. Her mind work like lightning and she could always recall her memory when she needs to.

This has always been what I want before joining this company. I want to learn, grow and push my self out of the comfort zone. Now that I am nearing my 1st year anniversary, I am getting more and more grateful. It is difficult sometimes to juggle the work and manage her expectation, but the experience is so valuable. I would need to think thousand million times before deciding to leave this place. I just need to be better in what I do so that other companies can see how valuable I am.

After work, I manage to spend some time at the gym. 30 mins of brisk walking on the treadmill, 20 mins of spin and a few minutes on weight. Pretty satisfied with myself.

At home, I manege  to go through my budget. I found this cool apps that help you to track your expenses. All you need to be is consistent and follow the budget. Since this is the first month I am using it, I want to see how discipline I am with my money when I am on my own.

Having my other half around keep me grounded. I am reminded that I have a commitment to another human being. I do everything I could to stay afloat together. So, taking care of just me should be easier right? All I need is to have my goals and need met everyday. Its time that I take care of me.

Gratitude List No. 4 - A Loner At Heart

I sent off my friend who has been staying with me for the past 2 nights. With her around I realised that I am better off alone at home. We shared the same interest and all but I prefer my alone time brooding or doing absolutely nothing.

I am thinking of inviting my sisters over to my house so that her children can enjoy the pools and park. I used to be this cool sister who take my siblings and my nephews to cool cafes and places. I should do that again.

My boyfriend's birthday is coming up. Thinking of a gift. A special one. Something that can remind him of me. Most probably a wallet.

Gratitude List No. 3 - My Home My Paradise

Malaysian just had a long weekend last week. 3 days off from work meaning a lot of time on my hand. Had a whole day to my self on Friday. Cleaned the house, did laundry etc. Satisfied with the outcome. So, decided to spend some time with a friend. Had a good talk. Shared experience and stories etc. It was nice.

On Sunday, a friend decided to drop by. She is currently staying at my house as she had errands to run etc. The least I could do for her is to show her around. Went for an hour hike at Bukit Kiara, watched a new tv series together on Netflix and just chat. As we are somewhat the same age, same education background, thus we share same interest. It was refreshing. Yet, I prefer my time alone at home.

I am happy that I have a perfect place to call home. My decision to take up the place which is close to office was the best decision I made last year. No regrets whatsoever. I love my home.

I love the fact that I get to spend my weekend with different type of activities with different type of people. I am so grateful. 

Thinking of what to do and cook today for dinner. I have 3.5 hours to go an email to send and then I will be off.

Home sweet home 

Anxiety

Been feeling anxious since last week. Don't think I have a restful weekend due to this anxiety.

Over the weekend, I spent my time watching motivational videos. One of the video was by Simon Sinek explaining about all the different hormones that are release by our body during different situations. There 4 good positive hormones but there is 1 bad hormones release by the body during stressful situation i,e cortisol. It is not good as it suppress your immune system. That is why, those who work in a high stressed environment are more incline to fall sick.

I need to reset my mind and thinking. Rise above the stressful situation at work or just be braver and don't give a shit. Probably I need to do all the above to overcome my anxiety issue. It is easier to overcome all this if you can focus on something else or someone else.

When my other half was nearby, I get to separate my self between my office and personal life (most of the time). When I have to bring my work home, it will get mashup together but there will always be time that I could just stop working and focus on him. Since he is no longer around, my mind is at work all the time. I tried to set goals, personal goals, daily goals but my mind will always worry about my job. I am just scared that I am not good enough. I am scared that I made mistake. I am scared all the time now when in reality, the experience is not as scary as I think it is.

Worries and being anxious is such a waste of time. I put on this brave face everyday when my inside is just a jumble of mess. I am still not doing what I am suppose to be doing and I blame my self for that.

Gratitude List No. 2 - Meeting My Needs

Yesterday I had a good workout at the gym. I spend 40 mins on cardio and around 10-15mins on weight and resistance training. Today I intend to go to the class for more cardio session.

I manage to cook a nice dinner after I got back. Tuna bolognese. No pasta. Ate it with omelette and some fresh green vegies. Had a nice cup of hot cocoa and watched some Netflix. Before 10am, I am already fast asleep.

I am so grateful that I love my current house. I love having a place and living alone. I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Such a bliss.

I woke up quite early. had a good discussion and now all my work is proceeding smoothly. Its lunch time. I manage to prepare some pasta so that I can eat it with my tuna bolognese.

I need to buy some bread and refuel my car. I will do that today after gym.

It has been a good day.

Gratitude List No. 1 - Socializing?

I am focusing and channeling my mind to focus on the good things that is happening in my life instead of the negative.

Due to my new coffee consumption habit, I have actually shed some weight. I just realised it yesterday when I put on a shirt which was smaller that what I would normally wear. Probably M size. I just need to maintain that habit.

I get to visit my new gym last weekend. I love all the equipment. If I spend enough time there sweating, I could shed serious weight!

I have so much time on my hands right now. I want to spend it working on my self. Improving my self. Physically, spiritually. I need to resume my work on improving my relationship with God. Prepare for Umrah on January. Yeah... I got my work cut out for me.

I am thinking of a social life. I don't have many friends which some will view as odd. I have a colleague who is also single. Should I spend more time with her? She is pleasant and all. Maybe we could plan a short getaway together.

Getaway. That is something I really need. Making plans to go to Tioman. I miss the island. The white sands and the blue ocean.

I Don't Know What I Want

At this very moment, I have no idea what I want. I receive a surprising news early last week and the news threw me off balance for a week now. To date, my mind is still a ball of mess. I can't focus. I don't know how I'm feeling, I don't know what to do. What I know is that, I hate this situation I'm in right now.

I know I have to rise above the mess. I have to find the courage within me. I know all the right thing to do. I know what I am supposed to do but I don't have the will to do it. Somehow right now, I rather moped around, feeling sorry for my self. Its pathetic I know but... Argh!!!

The weekend didn't help, The work didn't help. The tears didn't help. Nothing works right now.

Not sure whether a news I have just received today will make my situation worsen or better. I may have to transfer to another company. Its temporary but it mean a change. Another change! I am flexible and all but considering everything that I have on my plate right now, I'm not sure if too much change is a good thing or not.

I do believe everything happens for a reason and if you believe in the miracle and God, you know that God only gives you what you need and whatever it is given, it is good for you. It is for the best because it is arrange by God.

What is best for me now is to let nature takes it course. Submit to God's will. Do the best that I can with what has been given to me.