It is work if you rather be doing something else

I am assessing my life choices. I did this at the start of the year. I dropped the ball for the past 3 months and I need to reassess again.

Is there something else I would rather do than doing my 9 to 5 jobs? Honestly, I have no idea.

I gave video making a try last month. It was a process. Not that complicated process but still a process. It can be an easy process, I just need to stick to it. Have a schedule for it. Grind. 

It is hard to keep doing it if you don't really believe in what you are doing. If you don't think you can actually be good at it. [Let's fake it till we make it]

I need to set a goal. Do at least 20 vids and then see what happened? Perhaps I can use this down time to get some ideas. Work on a script or something.

Am I manifesting a bigger problem? I hope not. I need to change my mind fast

Berat Mata Memandang

 Alhamdulillah. Dah Jumaat dah...

It was the first full week of me being back in the office. It was somewhat a fulfilling week. My hours are filled with sitting in front of the PC, reading documents, emails and just watching the rest of the team work. 

At least in the office, I dont feel lonely. At times I feel bored. Complacent. Everything is  becoming too easy for me.

Tomorrow we are going to Kuching. The first time going back as a wife. I am slightly excited. At first I was planning to visit a lot of places. But now I am feeling rather tired. I just want to have a relaxing getaway instead.

I have no expectation. I will just go with the flow. 

I really need to get back on the program. I'm feeling sluggish and I think my performance is not at my 100%. I'm not giving my all to everything I am doing. I'm not doing well for some reason. I need to motivate my self. I was good at pushing my self to doing something, but now... I'm just tired all the time. 

Just stick to the plan. What is the plan again?

Focus on the Big Things or Small?

 Nowadays I love taking hyperlapse moments. Usually its the sunset or sunrise, the skies with the cotton candy clouds or even rain and perhaps just the process of me finishing up my paintings. 

It is so easy to forget that there are bigger things, more important things happening all around us. Most of them are beautiful things like how we take for granted the blue skies. All we can see is blue sky with clouds but if we just focus on the sky, at that exact same spot for a period of time, we can see magnificent movement of the clouds. During sunset, you can sometime see the movement of the earth even. 

Things have been somewhat normal around the house. Things happening within us seems so small if we compared to the things out there. Nowadays, I tend to focus on things i can change. Those I can clearly make a different to. Small things. Like cleaning a spot in the kitchen. Vacuuming a corner of the house. These are distractions for my mind. 

There are also things, important things in play. Like the fact that my dad was tested positive for covid yesterday and mom could be positive too. Like the issues relating to Eddy's work has not been resolved to this day and it could cloud over both of us whenever we talked about it. Like the kids interview with the judge is coming up. It is a lot going on. But they are small, compared to things happening outside. 

I read a short story long time ago about focusing and the big things so that the small things would fall into places. The teacher ask the students to fill a jar with big pebbles, small pebbles and sands. The jar can be filled with all 3 objects if we first insert the big pebbles into the jar, followed by small pebbles and lastly the sand since sand is the smallest in size. Just like life. Focus on the big things first. 

With that in mind, I think, I should just take a breath, focus on keeping my mind calm by focusing on the big things so that my mind could sort out the small things, in due time

New Year 2022

2021 has been such a blur.  We were in lockdown even longer than 2020, we travelled less, we exercise less and consequently we gained more weight. 

Malaysia has been suffering greatly as well. Our political situation was just stabilizing and then massive flood hits leaving many displaced. The weather has been wet for the past month. Personally, I enjoyed sweater weather but when the it rains continuously, I fear for those who lived in flood prone area.

2022 brings in new hope but after what happened in 2021, everyone is more cautious. My plan is to invest in me. I signed up for a gym subscription and promised to go to at least 2 classes per week. I am currently looking into my personal finances and trying to come up with a monthly budget, so that I could save more this year. I feel like I want to be selfish this year and pay more attention on my own well being.

The decision on the interim application will come up on the 28th. We are not putting high hopes on that probably because we don't want to be disappointed. I personally don't want to focus my energy on it as it will surely ruin my mood.

Hopefully i will be more balanced this year. Physically, emotionally and financially. At the moment, that seems like a big ask. I can only hope and plan. 

December 2021

 Almost at the end. 

The past few days had been such a trying times. 2021 brings about challenges. Different challenges to different people at different time. Selangor was hit by the worst floods ever. Personally, I have not seen anything like this in Selangor. Videos of cars floating in basements, houses destroyed, people stranded, pets drowned. Its heartbreaking. 

December is the month of monsoon in Malaysia. Floods in the east coast is expected but this year, Central Malaysia was badly affected too. The rain had stopped for 3 whole days. Rescue works are still on going but from the windows of my house, I can see dark clouds with occasional rain. 

I can go on and rant about how incompetent our current government did in managing the crisis. Viral hashtag like #kerajaanpembunuh has been circulating since the tragedy. More than 30 people lost their lives but I shall refrain.

I pray that God grant the victims, the volunteers, the rescue team strength and perseverance. InsyaAllah, we will overcome this.

October

I have a draft titled "September". Didnt even finish writing it as there are so many things happened in September. Sooo many. 

We are already reaching the end of October. The best news and probably the only good news since Covid hits is that the border is reopening. That means international travel is now allowed. I've been dreaming of Europe and English countryside the whole 2 years we were on locked down. Now that the border is reopening, it feels so sweet to be able to make plans again.

The other good news was crypto currency reach another all time high last week. Our current holding was valued around RM12K. We are still hodling and hoping it will reach at least 20K before we consider liquidating. That could be our money to travel next year. 

I've been dreaming of Christmas market since forever. Maybe we could travel in November next year and visits the Christmas markets around Europe. Not too sure if the weather is idle for sight seeing that time of year tho. I'm still trying to pinpoint our destinations. Its going to be a different type of holiday that is for sure since I am planning to take the kids along.  It will costs more that is for sure, but I believe Allah will provide and make it easy for us.

 

Manifestation (1)

I love making gratitude list but rarely I progress on making a manifestation post. I've been slowly hinting manifestation way of thinking with Eddy. But maybe writing it down would make it clearer. Let's give this a go since I am in such a positive mood today. 

Jannah

Jannah for my whole family is always high on the list, it is in my daily prayer. May Allah grant us all the highest Jannah.

Umrah/Hajj

It would be a blessing to be invited to the holy lands once again. This time with Eddy and perhaps the kids. We have so much to thank Allah for

Family

Being with the whole family, Aqeel included, taking a trip just spending quality time with my parents and sisters would be epic. Apart from my wedding, they have not have the chance to be together.

Work

Abundance of opportunity for me and Eddy. Earning honest living to raise our children and have a lot of cushion money for a comfortable retirement. Having side hustle, investment, passive income that keep churning money into our accounts.

World tour

Sight seeing, admiring Allah's creation. Starting in England and then the rest of Europe. For some reason, I'm just drawn to England. After the Holy lands, the English soils are simply magical to me. Scotland, New Zealand and Switzerland is high on the list as well. 

Retirement

If only it is possible to retire in England. A small cottage in a small village. That would be idle. But a small cottage in a village is Malaysia would be just as beautiful. I clearly have not given retirement much thought as I can hardly decide where I want to retire.

Gratitude List August (3)

 The last post was somehow posted today. Anyway, today is the 10th of Muharram. We are all fasting. Alhamdulillah for that. We had my childhood suhoor today. Rice with fried egg and fried anchovies.

This week has been such a blessing. My parents were here for their 2nd dose. We get to spend a lot of quality time. Catching up and just be together under the same roof. Those are blessings that we took for granted before the pandemic came about. I pray that we would remember to cherish every single meeting, every single phone calls, every holidays, every makan session, every memories we shared together.

We made plans to have a family get together. A trip of some sort once cross borders are allowed. We hope to carry out our plans end of this year. 2021 has been odd and we are almost at the end of it. Despite all that, there are a lot to be grateful for. Many lost their lives this year yet all of my family are doing well. We still get to see each other. We still get to make plans. Alhamdulillah for these blessings. 

My husband received wonderful news as well. The case that his ex wife tries to pin on him did not stick. Alhamdulillah. Nowadays I pray for Allah to give both of them the closures that they needed. I hope that they find it in their hearts to forgive each other and to be kind to one another for the sake of their children. If it is tough on Eddy, I am sure it is tougher on the kids. May Allah protect them and give all of them the solution to this matter. May Allah make it easy for them.

I am thinking of making salmon pasta for ifthar, with veggies on the side. Alhamdullilah for this wonderful week.

Gratitude List August (2)

Alhamdulillah. Today is the 2nd day of Muharram. The month of Allah. Yesterday was a public holiday which we spent doing several chores as well as taking an hour walk up a hill nearby our house. It was such a good walk. I get to spend time with my husband simply chatting away. 

Just a few days ago, we received a heartbreaking news of a local celebrity passing away due to Covid 19. The number of death due to Covid 19 has been on all time high but this death was especially amazing because the deceased was pregnant and the doctors manage to save the child. Amazingly, upon the news of her death broke, many videos and other evidence emerge to proof that the Allahyarhamah was an amazing Muslimah, a loyal wife and simply a wonderful person. Everyone was so envious of her death. I pray to be granted a similar or even better circumstances for my own death. Her death serves as a beautiful reminder to all of us. It reminds me of the duá i made when I was in Mecca. I asked Allah for a husband who will take me to Jannah. I aim to be a wife who is loved by my husband, a husband who will keep reminding me of the greatness of Allah. I pray that Allah will invite both of us to visit their Holy lands together. Ameen. Her death also remind us that death does not wait for anything or anyone. Allahyarhamah left behind small children and a husband who loves her so much. Death does not wait for you to grow old, or your children to grow older. When your time comes, you will go. Her death remind me to be a person who people will remember for the goodness inside me, the calmness i bring to them, the assist I give when they are in need. 

A lot of things happened the past few days. I am just grateful that Allah is making it so easy for us in all regards. Alhamdulillah, my works keeps me busy and sane during this pandemic period. I have salary which I get to use part of it for zakat and charity. May Allah increases our rezq so that we get to spend more of it to do charity. I pray that Allah protect us from rezq that is haram for us.

Now I am sitting in front of my tv, with laptop on my lap, typing away all the things I am grateful for. I am waiting for e-mails to come in, meetings to attend and reading a few documents that will be discussed during today's meeting. I long for holidays abroad, visiting new places, learning its history and trying new things. I pray that we will get to share those experience with our children. Right now, I simply filled my mind with youtube videos of people visiting places around their own country. Before the pandemic, the world was borderless. We get to travel freely. Nowadays, borders are close for foreigners/tourists. The only way to visit the other countries now is to watch them on youtube. 

I pray that this pandemic ends soon and we will all learn something out of it.

 

Gratitude List August (1)

Its Monday again. Alhamdulillah. I had a restful and somewhat productive weekend. A good balance between doing a lot of things and nothing. Complete bliss.

Here I am counting my blessing and being grateful for everything that I have and going to have in my life. I am so happy to see a bright blue sky today. Sitting and typing this on my laptop waiting for a virtual meeting in an hour time. I am grateful that I am still employed. My work keeps me busy on the weekdays. My company is thriving. Always looking for business opportunities. That would hopefully mean that we would get some bonus and a raise!

I woke up early and manage to make buttermilk pancake with mixed berries compote for breakfast. The pancakes are fluffier coz I am using buttermilk and the compote are just nice.

I am happy and grateful to see that the crypto market is recovering and the prices keep rising. I love the dips too as I get to buy more. That would hopefully be our money for a nice vacation in the Maldives, South Korea, Australia or Europe. My savings are growing as well. Hopefully I could save even more in the future. It would be amazing to see beautiful Jeju. Or basking under the sun, by the beautiful turquoise water where you get to see beautiful fish and corals and white sands. Or having fun with the kids looking at unique wildlife in Australia. Or just walking around old cities, eating cheese, chocolate, waffles and gelatos all around Europe. 

I am happy now that the courts are reopening again and taking on new cases. We pray that Allah will assist us and grant is ease. We are sure in our hearts that God will protect us and grant us the best outcome. If Allah is willing, we will all be together again.

I am happy for my parents especially my mother who always prays for me. With her prayers I am protected against harm. All my success and rezq is from Allah but definitely because of her prayers for me. I can feel her love as I am living this blessed life. Everything that I am today is because of her. I pray that she will be granted Jannah and happiness in this life and the next. I pray that both my parents are healthy and live long life so that we get to travel the world together again. 

I am happy to be able to wake up early today beside the man I love. Being able to kiss him every morning before he goes to work and telling him I love him. I love that he kisses my lips and my forehead too. He loves me just the way I am and I could not ask for more. Allah has been kind to me. I hope to be the best wife so that I could enter Jannah from any door that I wish for. InsyaAllah, we will get to visit the Holy lands and make our pilgrimage soon. Once the borders are reopen. To be able to pray in front of the Kaabah once more. To be close to our prophet Muhammad SAW. To drink the fresh water of Zamzam. To feel so close to Allah that He hears every single words in our hearts. To feel the miracles of immediately getting whatever you wish for. To be grateful to be born as a Muslim with imaan in our hearts.

Thank you Allah for this beautiful life

Alhamdulillah for every blessings that I received today and continue to receive every single day.

Planning For Ramadhan

I expect Ramadhan this year would be slightly different from last year's since the kids may not be with us. We had such a blast fasting with the kids. I tried various new recipes. There will be sweet cakes almost every night for moreh. I will be in the kitchen, half of the time, cooking something.

This year would be much simpler which may not be such a bad thing. I could just focus on eating healthy and being healthy. I could focus on reading the Quran perhaps attending taraweh at the surau.

My ideal ramadhan schedule

4.30    wake up for night prayer, read quran

5.00    sahoor [oats, kurma, fruits, eggs, bread]

6.00    subuh, read quran

7.00    prepare for office if WIO

1.30    zuhur read quran

4.30    asar read quran

5.00    distribute kurma in ttdi/penchala

6.00    prepare for berbuka 

7.30    light berbuka [fruits, yogurt]

8.00    proper food [salad, quinoa, fish, chicken]

8.30    isyak, taraweh, quran

9.00    light exercise

10       sleep

May Allah grant us the opportunity to meet Ramadhan this year

Gratitude List No. 2 of 2021

I was suppose to write this on February but I guess life happens and today is already the 7th day of April. I am so thankful that I still have a life. I am healthy, well, still employed, very much busy with work and ever so grateful with everything that I have.

A lot had happened and I have a lot in my mind as well. All I can do now is to ask Allah to easy everything for me and all parties involved. I keep reminding my self that better days are coming as Ramadhan is approaching and I am looking forward to that as well. May Allah grant us the opportunity to meet Ramadhan this year.

I am thankful for my health, my work, my spouse, my family, the breakfast I had today, the colleagues, the happiness and contentment i feel in my heart. Thank you Allah for making it easy for me

Gratitude List No. 1of 2021

 Let's do better this year InsyaAllah.

Alhamdulillah. My life has been a constant blessing which sometime i feel i dont deserve any of them. 

I am so happy and grateful that Allah has given me my health despite the rising numbers of positive cases especially in Selangor. I have not been anywhere except weekly grocery shopping and a few occasional coffee run with my husband.

I thank Allah for lending me my loving husband. He truly completes me in so many ways. Alhamdulillah

I also am very grateful to God for opening my heart to keep on learning and increasing my imaan through many youtube videos. I could feel that these videos increases my deen. I pray that Allah blesses those who shares all these videos and count those deeds as good deeds on the day of judgment.

I am so happy and thankful for having enough of everything to sustained me during this quarantine. I always have enough food, time and entertainment sources to keep my self company so much so that both my husband and I are gaining a little bit of weight.

I pray that God help us all during this difficult time. May Allah give peace in our heart and ease in anything that we do.

Ameen