Rest Well My Dear

Was still thinking of you today. I kept my promise, you were in my every prayers today. I will do the same everyday, as long as I am still breathing.

Will it be the same without you in my life? NO.

Your passing affected many of us. Not only the life of your family and your cats but also you students, your friends and those who knows you.

Fret not sayang, you now know that your soul mate is waiting for you in heaven. He might be a beautiful angel. You are so blessed and I envy you.

You don't have to worry about anything else. Not about your thesis, our crazy education system nor your stubborn students. Just rest coz you have been working so hard for so long.

Will I miss you. YES

I'm gonna miss your high pitch voice and your short figure and your smile. Most of all I'm going to miss your texts and calls asking me to hangout, asking me my condition, advising me when I am down, scolding me when I am acting stupid.

Will I ever find your replacement? NO

You are so strong, so patient and unique, so stubborn, so independent but when you are with me, you are so manja. So caring and sometimes loving but in a rough way.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for your prayers whilst I was struggling in the hospital. Thank you for having me as your friend.

I hope to see you in heaven so that we can hang out, drink coffee, eat cakes and sushi all day long.

Kawan

Hari ni aku kehilangan seorang kawan baik. She left me, her family, her students and her cats for good.

I can't remember how we became so close. We've known each other since we were in Form 4 however, I hangout with a group of geeks and she being a rebel that she was, hangout with another group of friends. She was loud, she speaks her mind and she is so garang. She has all the necessary traits of a good teacher.

We become close when one of our mutual friend came back from Japan and has no one to hangout with. Since we were all in Kampar at that time, we spent a lot of free time together. We went for karoke, lepaking at the mamak and best of all we did go for a picnic at Taman DR - English style.

I am grieving because she went so suddenly. She visited me when I was admitted at KPJ Damansara. She visited me when I was discharged and was resting at home. She gave a gift that I will treasure all my life. Best of all, she gave me the greatest title any friend could ask for, I was her "kawan baik". Apart from that she gave me a book.

That title "kawan baik" was official bestowed upon me yesterday. After receiving a text msg sent from her sister thru her phone asking me to visit her at the hospital right away as her condition was deteriorating, I rushed to Ipoh. I was greeted by her eldest sister and I hugged her  when she started to cry. I then hugged her young colleague as she was sobbing uncontrollably . I was their rock and I could hear her parents telling everyone that I was her best friend. After visiting her for the last time, I find a quiet corner and I pray then tears starts to overflow. Slowly I decided to let her go. God loves her more and all this is qada' amd qadar.

I could hardly remember how many times I met her family members. Very few occasion as they could hardly recognize me. But when I told them that I am Fairy - Farina, the immediately know who I was because she likes to tell her families all about me. I was her "lesen". She can only extend her curfew only if she was hanging out with me.

Since my sky decided to rain since Isyak, I have to end this post with these : Thank you God for lending her to me. I do not have that many friends, but I am glad you send me an angel. Please save her a space in heaven so that she can play with her cats.

p/s:  She is my reminder of how short life can be and how important it is to always be grateful.

God's Love

I remember spending time in the hospital visiting my late grandmother and grandpa at the hospital. It just never occurred to me that the illness was a way for God to remind the patients that He loves them and He just want them to remember Him and worship Him more. The thought, the idea crossed my mind during my first night I spent staring at the ceiling of KPJ Damansara's high dependency unit (HDU).

The very thought keeps playing in my mind. God just want me to remember him. I admit that I have neglected my responsibility towards my faith. I am a good person i.e kind hearted, I love cats and I am nice to almost all the cats I meet etc but all my good deeds means nothing coz I failed to take care of my relationship with God. I have been ignoring this very fact for awhile. These were the thoughts that keeps playing in my mind. I was overwhelm with regrets and at the same time I was grateful to be alive.

I cried. I cried every night after each surgery I underwent. After the 2nd operation, I cried every night pleading for forgiveness. I was convinced that God has forgiven some of my sins and since He gave me a second chance to life, I have to redeem my self. Do as much good deed as I can and collect as much "pahala" as I could.

Although I lost almost 8 kilos due to the whole ordeal, I gained so much knowledge and learned a lot about my self, my family, my religion and my friends whilst I was in the hospital. I do not recommend anyone to admit themselves to a hospital to get closer to God tho. Just take care of your relationship with God and God will take care of everything else for you.

Climax

The climax to my IBS issue is that it is actually not IBS. I had endometriosis. It was blocking my rectum. Dummy's guide to endometriosis as below.

To cut things short, I had an obstruction and was admitted to KPJ Damansara on 22 March 2014. It was a Saturday. I am thankful that my youngest sister Anna was staying nearby my house. She rushed me to the hosp and I underwent an emergency operation the same day at 9pm. The surgery was to ease my obstructed intestines.

Again, to cut it short, the pain was unbearable. All I was thinking was, please make the pain go away. I forgot a lot of things. I can't even remember if I pray to God to seek His forgiveness. However I do remember to "mengucap" before I went "offline". I was totally overcome with pain. However, I did not cry, not a single tear. 

The operation took 5 hours. Recovery was fast, smooth and almost painless. After 27 days and 3 major operation, I was discharged. It took 3 surgeons, 3 anesthetists, 2 physiotherapists and a group of patient and gentle nurses to cure me.

Friends and family keep telling me how strong I am but honestly, without the prayers from my family and friends, I would have died. 

I am convinced that I have died on the operation table, 3 times, but since God is Great and most forgiving and most merciful, I was given another chance to live on His beautiful earth. I spent 27 days talking to God, analyzing my life and trying to mend fences with God. I am convince that God listen to my every word and thoughts during that  27 days. 

I try my best to purified my thoughts, my speech and my action. But I am only human. One wrong step, I was punished instantly. I felt so small, so helpless, so weak and I am leaning and depending on God's mercy for each and every breath I took in that hospital.

I have another surgery to go to. I am putting it off so that I can resume work. I am grateful and happy to announce that I am recovering well. I will try to share my agonizing experience once I am ready.